The Front Page

Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul”

After the riots have settled, a debate as old as the Twin Cities still rages on. And even as the last of the city’s grocery stores burn down, Minneapolis residents are still just as annoying. “Right here where we’re standing is Prince’s old stomping grounds,” said downtown resident Jared Gross, on the ashy remains of … Continue reading “Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul””

Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama

Who could have guessed that a nationally-televised event where one woman dates 31 different men would include some drama? Not Claire, our eternally 39-year-old bachelorette who is also eternally hopeful that a reality television show will produce the man of her dreams. Using the principles that made “As Seen on TV” products a success, Claire … Continue reading “Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama”

Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married

Americans everywhere have the right to bear arms, but local gun-rights activist Craig Kilner believes that arms should have the right to bear their hearts to one another.  “They’re automatic weapons,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean they automatically have all their rights.” Craig had made a lifetime of fighting for gun rights but back … Continue reading “Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married”

2X4 Tired And Board

Things are lackluster for the legions of lumber laying around these days. And this construction site is feeling anything but constructive for this poor 2X4.   “People measure me all the time,” the board said, wiping sap from his eyes, “so I guess that’s why I feel like I never measure up.” He said the guys … Continue reading “2X4 Tired And Board”

Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter

Cookie Sheet Fired After Sharing Half-Baked Idea on Twitter Producers of the Food Channel series “Bitchin Kitchen” didn’t sugar-coat their statement after firing longtime kitchen member, Sheryl B. Scheet. After sharing a half-baked idea on Twitter, Sheryl the cookie sheet is facing some heat and being forced to fork over her cupboarded position in the … Continue reading “Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter”

Opinion: Trust In Gourd

Too long have we worshiped in the patch of the Great Pumpkin, being tossed too and fro by pumpkin spice parables.  I know many people’s first thought is, “Ugg, this again?” But hear me out! We are all bad apples and we’ve fallen short from the tree, we have to return to the one true … Continue reading “Opinion: Trust In Gourd”

Study: Less Than 1% Of Crackheads Will Give You Some Crack

Crackhead researchers at the University of Ohio have released an interesting new study, claiming crack addicts rarely (if ever) share their crack. “After years of studying crackheads in the wild, we’ve found that less than 1% of crackheads will give you some crack,” said renowned crackologist Joshua Anderson, “this number is particularly astonishing when you … Continue reading “Study: Less Than 1% Of Crackheads Will Give You Some Crack”

Governor Of ThickKansas Signs Ass Mandate

Laura Kelly, Governor of ThicKansas and dump-truck-butt admirer, has signed the state’s first Ass Mandate. “Starting Tuesday, we will require people who want to congregate to have bodacious booties,” she said in today’s press conference, “It’s simply reckless to let large groups gather without the proper thickage.” This comes on the heels of essential workers … Continue reading “Governor Of ThickKansas Signs Ass Mandate”

Bat Stocks Plummet

A greatly underspoken effect of covid-19 is its total destruction of the recently rising bat economy. Since March, bat stocks have plummeted, breaking records and creating a new bat recession. Bat finances haven’t been this shaky since the late 1800s, when fear of Bram Stoker’s “Count Dracula” was in its prime. Some experts say coronavirus … Continue reading “Bat Stocks Plummet”

Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!”

I can’t believe it’s not legal! Starting Tuesday, a margarine ban will be in effect for bars, restaurants, and other indoor venues throughout Minnesota. Walz issued a statement pleading with residents not to bring their own margarine into restaurants. “We have to get this under control,” he said, “We can’t have another slip-up.” Critics have … Continue reading “Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!””

“All Lives Matter!” Says White Guy, “Unless You’re Gay, Trans, Lesbian Or A Woman”

Local white guy Kyle Newsom is a staunch supporter of the “all lives matter” movement, and he’s not afraid to be oblivious and confrontational about it. “Of course, all lives matter,” says Kyle, “as long as you’re straight, male, not gay, and my friend.” Kyle is proud to say that he has a black friend, … Continue reading ““All Lives Matter!” Says White Guy, “Unless You’re Gay, Trans, Lesbian Or A Woman””

White Woman Has Hairy Armpits And Opinions On Things

Veronica Harfor (@GirlBossBF) of Uptown, has hairy armpits and opinions on things.  “I’m open minded and I don’t care what you think,” said Veronica at presstime, “we shouldn’t be raising our children straight!”  Veronica spends most of her day tweeting half baked thoughts and opinions. “A lot of people are put off by her ideas, … Continue reading “White Woman Has Hairy Armpits And Opinions On Things”

Man Eases Into Vegetarianism By Refusing To Eat Leather Boots

Brandon McDonald is taking a radical step towards vegetarianism with what he calls an “unprecedented move” for himself – he’s cutting out leather.  “No, no, I’m still WEARING leather. It’s EATING it that’s where I’m starting,” he said over his steak and eggs breakfast with a side of breakfast sausage, “Yes, I’m a vegetarian. Yes, … Continue reading “Man Eases Into Vegetarianism By Refusing To Eat Leather Boots”

UFC Fighter Spawns Outrage Due To Well-Thought-Out, Non-Racist Comments

This past weekend, UFC fighter Eric “Predator” Peters caused a stir outside of the cage with a series of well-crafted comments during a Reddit “Ask Me Anything (AMA)” with fans.  The controversy began when Peters was asked his feelings on defunding local police. BloodHole18: “heyy @EPpredator31, u baptized Sanchez last night with those elbowz! also, … Continue reading “UFC Fighter Spawns Outrage Due To Well-Thought-Out, Non-Racist Comments”

Light Up Your Blunt-O-Lanterns, Potheads, It’s October 4-20!

October 4th, 2020 As Halloween approaches, the 4-20 of October has arrived! Stoners everywhere are preparing to smoke pot all day and watch horror movies on Netflix!  Light up your blunt-o-lanterns, potheads, it’s October 4-20!  “I’m gonna smoke pot all day and watch Black Mirror on my Xbox,” said local weed freak Jeremy Walters, “it’s … Continue reading “Light Up Your Blunt-O-Lanterns, Potheads, It’s October 4-20!”

Trump Claims Banging Hot Wife And Daughter “Obliterated” COVID

“Just 24 hours after testing positive for coronavirus, President Trump claims to have cured the diesease by having sex with his hot wife and possibly daughter. The claim has scientists everywhere asking “could Russian pussy be the cure?”   “I cured it. Some say, ‘did he?’ I really did, I cured it. Tremendous. Ivank- I mean … Continue reading “Trump Claims Banging Hot Wife And Daughter “Obliterated” COVID”

God Is CANCELED

Find yourself a new Creator of the Universe, folks, because God is being canceled. Twitter took to storm this week after finding out that God, age infinity, impregnated Mother Mary at just the age of 14! People all over the world are asking God to step down as Creator of the Universe, while others are … Continue reading “God Is CANCELED”

Eric Trump Sheds Single Tear As Father Announces He’s “Proud, Boys”

The acceptance Eric has been craving for his entire life was granted to him while America’s two dad’s fought over who was the worst parent and who would eventually get custody of the dumpster fire they created. “I will stand by for you, sweet sweet father,” said Eric as a single tear streamed down his  … Continue reading “Eric Trump Sheds Single Tear As Father Announces He’s “Proud, Boys””

Ten Takeaways From The Trainwreck

1. We’re fucked 2. We’re fucked 3. We’re fucked 4. We’re fucked 5. We’re fucked 6. We’re fucked 7. We’re fucked 8. We’re fucked 9. We’re fucked 10. Etc • Terminal Times

“Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor

After the bombshell revelation that President and hand-gesture enthusiast Donald J. Trump has cheated on his taxes for the past 20 years, the effects are felt throughout the White House. According to a source close to the White House, Melania Trump is devastated. “I thought I was the only thing he cheated on!” she’s reported … Continue reading ““Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor”

Sweaty, Disheveled Jeff Bezos Awakes From Nightmare Where He’s Forced To Pay Taxes & Employees

Even the man who has everything can’t always get a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Bezos awoke around 2:17am in a frantic sweat, muttering, “It was a dream…just a dream…” He went to sleep in a world in which he was the richest man on earth and dreamed he had to pay all his … Continue reading “Sweaty, Disheveled Jeff Bezos Awakes From Nightmare Where He’s Forced To Pay Taxes & Employees”

Trump Appoints Judge Dredd

Former Apprentice star and current collapsing star Donald J. Trump has picked his Supreme Court nominee: Judge Dredd. In his statement, President Trump praised his ability to pick someone as tough and hard on criminals as Dredd. “I am the Law & Order President,” Trump said on Saturday, “and no one is harder on criminals … Continue reading “Trump Appoints Judge Dredd”

Man Injecting Bleach Concerned About Safety Of COVID Vaccine

Ralph is consumed with two things: protecting his health, and expressing his freedom to destroy his health. “I’m not following the government’s recommendations blindly,” he said while drinking his morning glass of Clorox, “that’s why I only listen to what the President tells me to do.” “You think you can trust the people who made … Continue reading “Man Injecting Bleach Concerned About Safety Of COVID Vaccine”

Profile: The Insufferable College Student That Asks Rhetorical Hitler Questions In Every Philosophy Class

Bendinigo Oselia – “Benny” for short to his friends – is a student of the University of Minnesota. Pursuing a philosophy degree as well as a religious studies double major, he’s also captain of the Lacrosse team, and works full time at D.P. Dough eatery near campus. He says he’s been a Gopher football fan … Continue reading “Profile: The Insufferable College Student That Asks Rhetorical Hitler Questions In Every Philosophy Class”

Couple Lost In Cheesecake Factory Menu Found After 2 Months

After 2 months of searching, missing Edina couple Mary and John Jenkins were found trapped and malnourished inside of the Ridgedale Cheesecake Factory’s offensively long menu. The couple arrived at the Cheesecake Factory in July to celebrate their three year anniversary, with food that’s not that great but not that bad either. While searching through … Continue reading “Couple Lost In Cheesecake Factory Menu Found After 2 Months”

More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States

Astronomists were surprised to find a cloud of phosphine gas – a chemical suggesting life – on the planet Venus, and they were even more shocked to find that this cloud had better critical thinking skills than most American citizens. “We’re not even sure there is life on Venus,” says planetary scientist Sara Seager, “but … Continue reading “More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States”

QAnon Confirms: Hurricane Laura Produced By Pedophile Farts

QAnon has released a statement declaring foul play was involved in Hurricane Laura. They claim winds of that magnitude were generated by cannibal pedophile’s digestive tracts after a long night of feasting. They say that kind of flatulence could not come normal non-human meat. “That kind of forceful ass-blast can only come from eating the … Continue reading “QAnon Confirms: Hurricane Laura Produced By Pedophile Farts”

Gotham Ends Crime With New ‘Capital Punishment For Any Supervillian Batman Brings In’ Policy

Gotham, America Cheers of victory today as Gotham City enjoys its third month of still-dropping crime rates after instituting its new “Supervillian Execution” policy, based on the standard that any criminal that Batman has to defeat single handedly is immediately and without trial executed in the quickest possible fashion. “Each of these villains has been … Continue reading “Gotham Ends Crime With New ‘Capital Punishment For Any Supervillian Batman Brings In’ Policy”

White People Rush To Social Media To Once Again Prove They Watched Black Panther

This weekend, thousands of white people poured onto social media to try and prove that they have seen the 2018 Superhero film Black Panther. Many even stated they have seen it more than once! “Absolute tragedy that we lost Michael B. Jordan,” Stacy tweeted with a picture of Jamie Foxx, “WAKANDA FOREVER!” This, and thousands … Continue reading “White People Rush To Social Media To Once Again Prove They Watched Black Panther”

Embarrassing: This Lumberjack Doesn’t Even Listen To Mumford & Sons

Paul Grinnell, 43, a rural woodworker and a poor man’s Clint Eastwood film protagonist, isn’t remotely interested in his own culture. “The guy doesn’t own a single vinyl record,” said Brett, a local cidery owner and stick-and-poke tattoo enthusiast. “Yeah, he can chop wood, but his musical chops leave much to be desired.” Not only … Continue reading “Embarrassing: This Lumberjack Doesn’t Even Listen To Mumford & Sons”

Kenosha Shooter Adopted By McCloskey’s

Mark McCloskey, a self-professed “grill-master” and part-time suburban vigilante, and Patricia McCloskey, a Carole Baskins Halloween costume come to life, have adopted the Kenosha shooter. Kyle Rittenhouse, 17, has received a huge amount of media attention after deciding to take the law into his own clammy hands and defend citizens from the violent mobbed armed … Continue reading “Kenosha Shooter Adopted By McCloskey’s”

Kremlin Approves Trials of COVID Vaccine On Russian Journalists

The new Russian COVID vaccine has been turning heads worldwide after journalist Alexei Navalny stepped forward as the first involuntary trial member. Since taking the vaccine, Navalny has been “sleeping it off” in a hospital in Berlin. Medvedvev said the Kremlin is “sending him our threats and prayers.” “I want to thank our brave volunteers … Continue reading “Kremlin Approves Trials of COVID Vaccine On Russian Journalists”

Rescue Dog Comes Out As Non-Binary

Local Animal Rescue nonprofit Secondhand Hounds is in deep water after misgendering the Springer Spaniel on their website. Before Acorn (previously named Rick) was caught by animal control, they Tweeted on their personal Twitter account that they were “No longer going to accept being called a good boy.” and that they “prefer good dog now.” … Continue reading “Rescue Dog Comes Out As Non-Binary”

Putin Encourages Russians To Vote In-Person For US Election

Trump’s hard work to energize the Russian vote is paying off in spades! Vladimir Putin, who recently declared smiling a public health crisis, is encouraging Russians to really “show up for the 2020 US Election.”  In the statement, Putin expressed that he understands COVID-19 is a big concern for many of the Russian agents living … Continue reading “Putin Encourages Russians To Vote In-Person For US Election”

Thrift Store Reopens, Closes Due To Low Demand Of Useless Trash

SAINT PAUL, MN – It’s been another sad day for local businesses. Today, “Benny’s Stuff Store” shut down due to the cruel, invisible hand of the free market. “When it started out, we were getting so much stuff dropped off every day,” says owner, Benny Jensen, “it was like it was easier for people than … Continue reading “Thrift Store Reopens, Closes Due To Low Demand Of Useless Trash”

Pilgrim Ghosted By Fair Maiden

“I don’t know,” said Barthalomew with a full erection, “I really thought we were vibing. She danced with me for nearly 3 sonnets and I even got to see her undergarments…socks,” he said with a wink. Bart has been looking into the possibilities of marriage with Priscilla since the first and only meeting between the … Continue reading “Pilgrim Ghosted By Fair Maiden”

Woke Wisconsin Hick Criticizes Destruction Of Unarmed Buildings

“Lock the guys up that did it,” said mouth breathing Wisconsin hick Dale Saunders on Thursday, “nobody should get away with the cold blooded murder of unarmed corporate buildings like that. That shit ain’t right.” The small town shit farmer is one of the leading speakers on his hometown “white lives matter” Facebook group- who … Continue reading “Woke Wisconsin Hick Criticizes Destruction Of Unarmed Buildings”

International Freeze Tag Champion Shocked To Test Positive For COVID

Talia Stein, world-renown tag champion & light-up shoes brand ambassador, has tested positive for the Coronavirus. “I’ve never been caught,” she said Monday on Instagram, “but it seems like I have caught someone I wasn’t planning too – COVID-19.” She went on to say that she was shaken to her core after this diagnosis.  “I’ve … Continue reading “International Freeze Tag Champion Shocked To Test Positive For COVID”

Lizard People Worried About Lack Of Representation In Mainstream Media

Dank Cave, USA – Many lizard people are starting to worry about the way much of the media portrays them. “We are more than just humanoid reptiles wearing the skin of your most well-known world leaders,” said Zulk, a local lizard person and social media activist, “we are also doctors and lawyers, mothers, and fathers, … Continue reading “Lizard People Worried About Lack Of Representation In Mainstream Media”

Trump Condemns Michigan Governor Before Calling Her “Kinda Hot”

Months after referring to Michigan’s Gretchen Whitmer as the “Michigan governor” and criticizing her strict social distancing policies, President Trump came clean last Sunday, tweeting “For a non-Russian, she’s actually pretty hot.”  In response to Nancy Pelosi calling the president “morbidly obese,” Trump has been spotted at multiple private golf courses, shaping up for a … Continue reading “Trump Condemns Michigan Governor Before Calling Her “Kinda Hot””

Thermometers Getting A Lot Of Action Right Now

Due to the coronavirus and the resulting plethora of paranoid temperature-takers, thermometers are getting more action than ever before. In a recent study by Science Magazine, researchers estimated a 97% increase in ass and mouth action amongst thermometers since the onset of the virus.               “I haven’t gotten this much ass since the late 70’s, when … Continue reading “Thermometers Getting A Lot Of Action Right Now”

Reviewing Movies While Fucked Up: “Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood”

Continuing our Quentin Tarantino Series, let’s get fucked up and watch “Once Upon A Time… in Hollywood.” The Recap: So Leonardo DiCaprio is a guy who looks like me and is a handsome actor. He has a friend who is his old stuntman Cliff Booth played by Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt kicks the shit out … Continue reading “Reviewing Movies While Fucked Up: “Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood””

Adam Sandler Apologizes For Portrayal Of Blackfoot In “Mr. Deeds”

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Saturday Night Live alumnus Adam Sandler took to social media early Thursday morning to address his problematic portrayal of blackfoot in the popular 2002 Happy Madison film Mr. Deeds. “They were different times” Sandler stated in a tweet on his personal Twitter account @CanteenBoi, which has since been deleted. “Hoo sha … Continue reading “Adam Sandler Apologizes For Portrayal Of Blackfoot In “Mr. Deeds””

Conflicted White Woman Loves Autumn Trees, But Doesn’t See Color

While many are happy about the cooler weather and changing seasons, not everyone is celebrating. Claire, a 28-year-old Ugg Boots enthusiast, is feeling conflicted. Very early on this year, she declared that she “can’t see color,” and will therefore treat all tree leaves the same. “All Leaves Matter. The biggest way to celebrate the changing … Continue reading “Conflicted White Woman Loves Autumn Trees, But Doesn’t See Color”

Walmart CEO Murders Employee After Confusing Civil Union With Labor Union

Walmart CEO Doug McMillon is historically tyrannical in his anti union views- going as far as terminating employees for mentioning the use of union phrases such as “living wage” and “lunch break.” Those views got him in a bit of a bind last week, as he mistook an employee’s civil union for a Local Teamsters … Continue reading “Walmart CEO Murders Employee After Confusing Civil Union With Labor Union”

Celebrity Gossip: Casper The Friendly Ghost Spotted At Klan Rally

Paparazzi recently caught Casper the Friendly Ghost, 85 ghost years, at a Klan rally holding a sign reading, “The only good Ghost is a white Ghost!” It appears after years of speculation, that although considered by most to be the friendliest of ghosts, Casper is far from it. Often known for helping out and making … Continue reading “Celebrity Gossip: Casper The Friendly Ghost Spotted At Klan Rally”

Catholic Schools Release List Of (CDC Approved) Socially Distanced Physical Punishments

With public life adjusting and changing with the effects of COVID-19, a change is coming from an unlikely source…The Catholic Church. No, not the change we’d all hope for. You know, the rape stuff. Much to my youngest brother’s disappointment, most traditions shall remain untouched by modern societal norms. Instead, there will be updates to … Continue reading “Catholic Schools Release List Of (CDC Approved) Socially Distanced Physical Punishments”

Despite Pandemic, Rainforest Cafe Continues To Provide Worst-Possible Dining Experience

As many area restaurants continue to close, Rainforest Café in the Mall of America continues to see a boom in customers, despite offering the worst dining experience possible.  “People come to our restaurants expecting poor service, wildly overpriced entrees, and a creepy animatronic monkey,” says Chris Spivey, Midwest regional manager for Rainforest Café. “We believe we owe it to … Continue reading “Despite Pandemic, Rainforest Cafe Continues To Provide Worst-Possible Dining Experience”

Police Officer Guns Down IKEA Furniture, Claims Shelf Defense

Off-Duty Chad Walkins shot a disassembled piece of IKEA furniture 37 times on Sunday. According to reports, the IKEA shelf was “black, open-concept,” and “looked really difficult to put together.” Walkins claimed the shelf was “resisting being assembled.” When asked if he read the instructions, he stated that he tried but, “they were written in … Continue reading “Police Officer Guns Down IKEA Furniture, Claims Shelf Defense”

Trump Vows To Unlock One Caged Immigrant For Every Two Cans Of Goya Beans Eaten

On Monday, President and author of Art of the Deal demonstrated what the Art of Compromise looks like. “I promise that every time a legal citizen purchases two cans of beautiful Goya Beans, I will release one immigrant child from ICE custody.” His new immigrant-beans policy will also permit one immigrant adult to be released … Continue reading “Trump Vows To Unlock One Caged Immigrant For Every Two Cans Of Goya Beans Eaten”

New Covid Research Could Include Any Number Between Zero And Infinity

In a recent study by Science Magazine, a Coronavirus research has been conducted that could have any number of possible outcomes. “If our estimations are correct, there could be four, five, maybe even seven different types of results. Or even just resulting numbers that include some of those numbers.” It shows progress in the ongoing … Continue reading “New Covid Research Could Include Any Number Between Zero And Infinity”

“If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself,” Says God After Watching The Romans Botch His Son’s Murder

When we arrived at the Holy Gates located on Cloud 9 we were welcomed to the sight of Our Lord and Savior leaning over his desk, stammering to himself while loading a shotgun. “He is 30 and still living at home. I gave Pontius 30 donkeys with the guarantee that ‘my problem’ would be taken … Continue reading ““If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself,” Says God After Watching The Romans Botch His Son’s Murder”

Watch Out Liberals: Ben Shapiro To Begin Speaking At 1.5x His Normal Speed

Look out, snowflakes! Fast-talking, liberal-smoking Ben Shapiro just got a lot more dangerous. Conservative podcaster and self-proclaimed “debunker debutante,” Shapiro is prepared to up the ante on his de-bunking of liberal myths like systemic racism, the necessity of healthcare, and the existence of Black people. He will now begin to speak 1.5x faster than he … Continue reading “Watch Out Liberals: Ben Shapiro To Begin Speaking At 1.5x His Normal Speed”

White Actors Apologize For Voicing Asian Characters On Gameshow “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge”

If you’ve been following social media this week (or the “woke” media as I like to call it), you might’ve heard of voice actors from popular series like The Cleveland Show coming forward and taking responsibility for their actions. The guy who plays Cleveland is white and that’s pretty messed up.  This weekend, white actors … Continue reading “White Actors Apologize For Voicing Asian Characters On Gameshow “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge””

This Colorado Eye Drop Shop Went Bankrupt Just Days After Being A Pothead Legalized

Just days after Colorado Governor Jared Polis legalized what he calls “stoner shit,” a ma and pop eye drop shop closed its doors for good. “We’ll have to move to Ohio, or somewhere where they’re more strict about that kind of stuff,” said longtime owner Jerry Adams, “we rely on cops being lame narcs to … Continue reading “This Colorado Eye Drop Shop Went Bankrupt Just Days After Being A Pothead Legalized”

Illuminati Shows Terminally Ill 13 Year Old Fanboy How Next Elections Will Turn Out

13 year old conspiracy theory fan Andrew Blakely, suffering from Stage IV brain cancer, has had his Make-A-Wish granted by the invisible cabal that controls the world to have the next round of political appointments revealed to him before his impending death, says the Associated Press. “This is a great PR move,” says Agent X, … Continue reading “Illuminati Shows Terminally Ill 13 Year Old Fanboy How Next Elections Will Turn Out”