The Front Page

Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul”

A debate as old as the Twin Cities still rages on after the riots have settled. And even as the last of the city’s grocery stores burn down, Minneapolis residents are still just as annoying. “Right here where we’re standing is Prince’s old stomping grounds,” said downtown resident Jared Gross, on the ashy remains of … Continue reading “Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul””

More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States

Astronomists were surprised to find a cloud of phosphine gas – a chemical suggesting life – on the planet Venus, and they were even more shocked to find that this cloud had better critical thinking skills than most American citizens. “We’re not even sure there is life on Venus,” says planetary scientist Sara Seager, “but … Continue reading “More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States”

QAnon Confirms: Hurricane Laura Produced By Pedophile Farts

QAnon has released a statement declaring foul play was involved in Hurricane Laura. They claim winds of that magnitude were generated by cannibal pedophile’s digestive tracts after a long night of feasting. They say that kind of flatulence could not come normal non-human meat. “That kind of forceful ass-blast can only come from eating the … Continue reading “QAnon Confirms: Hurricane Laura Produced By Pedophile Farts”

Gotham Ends Crime With New ‘Capital Punishment For Any Supervillian Batman Brings In’ Policy

Gotham, America Cheers of victory today as Gotham City enjoys its third month of still-dropping crime rates after instituting its new “Supervillian Execution” policy, based on the standard that any criminal that Batman has to defeat single handedly is immediately and without trial executed in the quickest possible fashion. “Each of these villains has been … Continue reading “Gotham Ends Crime With New ‘Capital Punishment For Any Supervillian Batman Brings In’ Policy”

White People Rush To Social Media To Once Again Prove They Watched Black Panther

This weekend, thousands of white people poured onto social media to try and prove that they have seen the 2018 Superhero film Black Panther. Many even stated they have seen it more than once! “Absolute tragedy that we lost Michael B. Jordan,” Stacy tweeted with a picture of Jamie Foxx, “WAKANDA FOREVER!” This, and thousands … Continue reading “White People Rush To Social Media To Once Again Prove They Watched Black Panther”

Embarrassing: This Lumberjack Doesn’t Even Listen To Mumford & Sons

Paul Grinnell, 43, a rural woodworker and a poor man’s Clint Eastwood film protagonist, isn’t remotely interested in his own culture. “The guy doesn’t own a single vinyl record,” said Brett, a local cidery owner and stick-and-poke tattoo enthusiast. “Yeah, he can chop wood, but his musical chops leave much to be desired.” Not only … Continue reading “Embarrassing: This Lumberjack Doesn’t Even Listen To Mumford & Sons”

Kenosha Shooter Adopted By McCloskey’s

Mark McCloskey, a self-professed “grill-master” and part-time suburban vigilante, and Patricia McCloskey, a Carole Baskins Halloween costume come to life, have adopted the Kenosha shooter. Kyle Rittenhouse, 17, has received a huge amount of media attention after deciding to take the law into his own clammy hands and defend citizens from the violent mobbed armed … Continue reading “Kenosha Shooter Adopted By McCloskey’s”

Kremlin Approves Trials of COVID Vaccine On Russian Journalists

The new Russian COVID vaccine has been turning heads worldwide after journalist Alexei Navalny stepped forward as the first involuntary trial member. Since taking the vaccine, Navalny has been “sleeping it off” in a hospital in Berlin. Medvedvev said the Kremlin is “sending him our threats and prayers.” “I want to thank our brave volunteers … Continue reading “Kremlin Approves Trials of COVID Vaccine On Russian Journalists”

Rescue Dog Comes Out As Non-Binary

Local Animal Rescue nonprofit Secondhand Hounds is in deep water after misgendering the Springer Spaniel on their website. Before Acorn (previously named Rick) was caught by animal control, they Tweeted on their personal Twitter account that they were “No longer going to accept being called a good boy.” and that they “prefer good dog now.” … Continue reading “Rescue Dog Comes Out As Non-Binary”

Putin Encourages Russians To Vote In-Person For US Election

Trump’s hard work to energize the Russian vote is paying off in spades! Vladimir Putin, who recently declared smiling a public health crisis, is encouraging Russians to really “show up for the 2020 US Election.”  In the statement, Putin expressed that he understands COVID-19 is a big concern for many of the Russian agents living … Continue reading “Putin Encourages Russians To Vote In-Person For US Election”

Thrift Store Reopens, Closes Due To Low Demand Of Useless Trash

SAINT PAUL, MN – It’s been another sad day for local businesses. Today, “Benny’s Stuff Store” shut down due to the cruel, invisible hand of the free market. “When it started out, we were getting so much stuff dropped off every day,” says owner, Benny Jensen, “it was like it was easier for people than … Continue reading “Thrift Store Reopens, Closes Due To Low Demand Of Useless Trash”

Pilgrim Ghosted By Fair Maiden

“I don’t know,” said Barthalomew with a full erection, “I really thought we were vibing. She danced with me for nearly 3 sonnets and I even got to see her undergarments…socks,” he said with a wink. Bart has been looking into the possibilities of marriage with Priscilla since the first and only meeting between the … Continue reading “Pilgrim Ghosted By Fair Maiden”

Woke Wisconsin Hick Criticizes Destruction Of Unarmed Buildings

“Lock the guys up that did it,” said mouth breathing Wisconsin hick Dale Saunders on Thursday, “nobody should get away with the cold blooded murder of unarmed corporate buildings like that. That shit ain’t right.” The small town shit farmer is one of the leading speakers on his hometown “white lives matter” Facebook group- who … Continue reading “Woke Wisconsin Hick Criticizes Destruction Of Unarmed Buildings”

International Freeze Tag Champion Shocked To Test Positive For COVID

Talia Stein, world-renown tag champion & light-up shoes brand ambassador, has tested positive for the Coronavirus. “I’ve never been caught,” she said Monday on Instagram, “but it seems like I have caught someone I wasn’t planning too – COVID-19.” She went on to say that she was shaken to her core after this diagnosis.  “I’ve … Continue reading “International Freeze Tag Champion Shocked To Test Positive For COVID”

Lizard People Worried About Lack Of Representation In Mainstream Media

Dank Cave, USA – Many lizard people are starting to worry about the way much of the media portrays them. “We are more than just humanoid reptiles wearing the skin of your most well-known world leaders,” said Zulk, a local lizard person and social media activist, “we are also doctors and lawyers, mothers, and fathers, … Continue reading “Lizard People Worried About Lack Of Representation In Mainstream Media”

Trump Condemns Michigan Governor Before Calling Her “Kinda Hot”

Months after referring to Michigan’s Gretchen Whitmer as the “Michigan governor” and criticizing her strict social distancing policies, President Trump came clean last Sunday, tweeting “For a non-Russian, she’s actually pretty hot.”  In response to Nancy Pelosi calling the president “morbidly obese,” Trump has been spotted at multiple private golf courses, shaping up for a … Continue reading “Trump Condemns Michigan Governor Before Calling Her “Kinda Hot””

Thermometers Getting A Lot Of Action Right Now

Due to the coronavirus and the resulting plethora of paranoid temperature-takers, thermometers are getting more action than ever before. In a recent study by Science Magazine, researchers estimated a 97% increase in ass and mouth action amongst thermometers since the onset of the virus.               “I haven’t gotten this much ass since the late 70’s, when … Continue reading “Thermometers Getting A Lot Of Action Right Now”

Reviewing Movies While Fucked Up: “Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood”

Continuing our Quentin Tarantino Series, let’s get fucked up and watch “Once Upon A Time… in Hollywood.” The Recap: So Leonardo DiCaprio is a guy who looks like me and is a handsome actor. He has a friend who is his old stuntman Cliff Booth played by Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt kicks the shit out … Continue reading “Reviewing Movies While Fucked Up: “Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood””

Adam Sandler Apologizes For Portrayal Of Blackfoot In “Mr. Deeds”

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Saturday Night Live alumnus Adam Sandler took to social media early Thursday morning to address his problematic portrayal of blackfoot in the popular 2002 Happy Madison film Mr. Deeds. “They were different times” Sandler stated in a tweet on his personal Twitter account @CanteenBoi, which has since been deleted. “Hoo sha … Continue reading “Adam Sandler Apologizes For Portrayal Of Blackfoot In “Mr. Deeds””

Conflicted White Woman Loves Autumn Trees, But Doesn’t See Color

While many are happy about the cooler weather and changing seasons, not everyone is celebrating. Claire, a 28-year-old Ugg Boots enthusiast, is feeling conflicted. Very early on this year, she declared that she “can’t see color,” and will therefore treat all tree leaves the same. “All Leaves Matter. The biggest way to celebrate the changing … Continue reading “Conflicted White Woman Loves Autumn Trees, But Doesn’t See Color”

Walmart CEO Murders Employee After Confusing Civil Union With Labor Union

Walmart CEO Doug McMillon is historically tyrannical in his anti union views- going as far as terminating employees for mentioning the use of union phrases such as “living wage” and “lunch break.” Those views got him in a bit of a bind last week, as he mistook an employee’s civil union for a Local Teamsters … Continue reading “Walmart CEO Murders Employee After Confusing Civil Union With Labor Union”

Celebrity Gossip: Casper The Friendly Ghost Spotted At Klan Rally

Paparazzi recently caught Casper the Friendly Ghost, 85 ghost years, at a Klan rally holding a sign reading, “The only good Ghost is a white Ghost!” It appears after years of speculation, that although considered by most to be the friendliest of ghosts, Casper is far from it. Often known for helping out and making … Continue reading “Celebrity Gossip: Casper The Friendly Ghost Spotted At Klan Rally”

Catholic Schools Release List Of (CDC Approved) Socially Distanced Physical Punishments

With public life adjusting and changing with the effects of COVID-19, a change is coming from an unlikely source…The Catholic Church. No, not the change we’d all hope for. You know, the rape stuff. Much to my youngest brother’s disappointment, most traditions shall remain untouched by modern societal norms. Instead, there will be updates to … Continue reading “Catholic Schools Release List Of (CDC Approved) Socially Distanced Physical Punishments”

Despite Pandemic, Rainforest Cafe Continues To Provide Worst-Possible Dining Experience

As many area restaurants continue to close, Rainforest Café in the Mall of America continues to see a boom in customers, despite offering the worst dining experience possible.  “People come to our restaurants expecting poor service, wildly overpriced entrees, and a creepy animatronic monkey,” says Chris Spivey, Midwest regional manager for Rainforest Café. “We believe we owe it to … Continue reading “Despite Pandemic, Rainforest Cafe Continues To Provide Worst-Possible Dining Experience”

Police Officer Guns Down IKEA Furniture, Claims Shelf Defense

Off-Duty Chad Walkins shot a disassembled piece of IKEA furniture 37 times on Sunday. According to reports, the IKEA shelf was “black, open-concept,” and “looked really difficult to put together.” Walkins claimed the shelf was “resisting being assembled.” When asked if he read the instructions, he stated that he tried but, “they were written in … Continue reading “Police Officer Guns Down IKEA Furniture, Claims Shelf Defense”

Trump Vows To Unlock One Caged Immigrant For Every Two Cans Of Goya Beans Eaten

On Monday, President and author of Art of the Deal demonstrated what the Art of Compromise looks like. “I promise that every time a legal citizen purchases two cans of beautiful Goya Beans, I will release one immigrant child from ICE custody.” His new immigrant-beans policy will also permit one immigrant adult to be released … Continue reading “Trump Vows To Unlock One Caged Immigrant For Every Two Cans Of Goya Beans Eaten”

New Covid Research Could Include Any Number Between Zero And Infinity

In a recent study by Science Magazine, a Coronavirus research has been conducted that could have any number of possible outcomes. “If our estimations are correct, there could be four, five, maybe even seven different types of results. Or even just resulting numbers that include some of those numbers.” It shows progress in the ongoing … Continue reading “New Covid Research Could Include Any Number Between Zero And Infinity”

“If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself,” Says God After Watching The Romans Botch His Son’s Murder

When we arrived at the Holy Gates located on Cloud 9 we were welcomed to the sight of Our Lord and Savior leaning over his desk, stammering to himself while loading a shotgun. “He is 30 and still living at home. I gave Pontius 30 donkeys with the guarantee that ‘my problem’ would be taken … Continue reading ““If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself,” Says God After Watching The Romans Botch His Son’s Murder”

Watch Out Liberals: Ben Shapiro To Begin Speaking At 1.5x His Normal Speed

Look out, snowflakes! Fast-talking, liberal-smoking Ben Shapiro just got a lot more dangerous. Conservative podcaster and self-proclaimed “debunker debutante,” Shapiro is prepared to up the ante on his de-bunking of liberal myths like systemic racism, the necessity of healthcare, and the existence of Black people. He will now begin to speak 1.5x faster than he … Continue reading “Watch Out Liberals: Ben Shapiro To Begin Speaking At 1.5x His Normal Speed”

White Actors Apologize For Voicing Asian Characters On Gameshow “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge”

If you’ve been following social media this week (or the “woke” media as I like to call it), you might’ve heard of voice actors from popular series like The Cleveland Show coming forward and taking responsibility for their actions. The guy who plays Cleveland is white and that’s pretty messed up.  This weekend, white actors … Continue reading “White Actors Apologize For Voicing Asian Characters On Gameshow “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge””

This Colorado Eye Drop Shop Went Bankrupt Just Days After Being A Pothead Legalized

Just days after Colorado Governor Jared Polis legalized what he calls “stoner shit,” a ma and pop eye drop shop closed its doors for good. “We’ll have to move to Ohio, or somewhere where they’re more strict about that kind of stuff,” said longtime owner Jerry Adams, “we rely on cops being lame narcs to … Continue reading “This Colorado Eye Drop Shop Went Bankrupt Just Days After Being A Pothead Legalized”

Illuminati Shows Terminally Ill 13 Year Old Fanboy How Next Elections Will Turn Out

13 year old conspiracy theory fan Andrew Blakely, suffering from Stage IV brain cancer, has had his Make-A-Wish granted by the invisible cabal that controls the world to have the next round of political appointments revealed to him before his impending death, says the Associated Press. “This is a great PR move,” says Agent X, … Continue reading “Illuminati Shows Terminally Ill 13 Year Old Fanboy How Next Elections Will Turn Out”

Amazon Generously Grants Employees Three Piss Jars Per Shift

After several weeks of intense labor negotiations, the employee’s union for Amazon workers announced they have won a hard fought battle to grant three piss jars for every employee per shift at all Amazon distribution centers nationwide. “It was a tough fight,” says union representative Blake Coulson. “We had a lot of back-and-forth on it. … Continue reading “Amazon Generously Grants Employees Three Piss Jars Per Shift”

Take It Yeezy: Kanye Announces Campaign Slogan

Shortly after announcing his 2020 Presidential Bid, superstar bipolar victim Kanye West shares his campaign slogan on Twitter: “Take It YEEZY.” This comes after some deliberation of another strong slogan: “Sure, Why the Fuck Not?” In a recent tweet, Kanye declared that, “JESUS IS KING BUT IMMA BE PRESIDENT.” Known by conservatives as Donald Trump’s … Continue reading “Take It Yeezy: Kanye Announces Campaign Slogan”

Racists Getting Nervous About Recent Bad Press

Many American racists are feeling the pressure to conform to a new wave of “anti-racism” or “human decency” that is sweeping the country. Many who have lived their entire lives this way are getting nervous by how they’re being portrayed in the media. “The lamestream media wants to brainwash people,” says self-professed “not racist” Paul … Continue reading “Racists Getting Nervous About Recent Bad Press”

Bruce Springsteen’s New Album Is A Cheeseburger Stuck In A V8 Engine And We Are Here For It

The Boss is back! For more than 40 years, we’ve known Bruce Springsteen as an all-American, working man’s artist but he truly outdoes himself with this one. His newest album enigmatically called “ Beef Highway” includes 7 full tracks of different cheeseburgers being ground up in a Ford-made V8 engine. Always pushing himself, Springsteen states … Continue reading “Bruce Springsteen’s New Album Is A Cheeseburger Stuck In A V8 Engine And We Are Here For It”

Letter To The Editor: Fuck The Pawlice

Terminal Times, Who the crap gave you the rights to keep running this show? Dogs in suits? You really thought that was a good idea? Thanks,Jerry’s Lawncare, Plymouth MN

Sad: This 4 Year Old Is So Dumb, He Doesn’t Even Know Who Michael Jordan Is

Chuck has often worried about the future of our country, and the recent interaction he had with this kid is not inspiring. “I hate to be one to break it to you,” he said to the boy’s mother, “but this kid is dumb.” For Chuck, this comes as another proof that the next generation is … Continue reading “Sad: This 4 Year Old Is So Dumb, He Doesn’t Even Know Who Michael Jordan Is”

Washed Up? Why Hollywood Won’t Cast The Volleyball From Cast Away Anymore

After 9 DUIs and multiple stints in and out of rehab, Hollywood won’t cast one struggling volleyball. “I went to NYU expecting to become something great. They had me on Broadway. They had me in that Verizon Wireless commercial. I never knew the heroin needle would be so quick to deflate me.” Shortly after his … Continue reading “Washed Up? Why Hollywood Won’t Cast The Volleyball From Cast Away Anymore”

AMAZING: This Middle-Aged White Guy On Facebook SOLVES Racism

Racism, get ready to meet your maker! Fresh off a recent share of a DEVASTATING Ben Shapiro video that dismantled systematic racism, Chuck has finally done what America has not been able to do for hundreds of years – solve racism. On Monday, Chuck shocked the world by posting a simple-yet-beautiful solution in a quote … Continue reading “AMAZING: This Middle-Aged White Guy On Facebook SOLVES Racism”

Study: Fish Still Dumb As Shit

Marine biologists at Florida State University gave ACT and SAT exams to a school of fifteen hundred red groupers last week, and the results were nothing short of jaws-dropping. In contrast to dolphins, who scored in the top 1 percentile on marine life intelligence tests, the groupers are dumb as shit. The school is on … Continue reading “Study: Fish Still Dumb As Shit”

Vape Pacifiers Outlawed

In a totally lame turn of events, little sprouts aren’t allowed to toot their sweet little cloud puffers any more, dude. A sleaze chunk of bad types called “politicians,” I guess, decided that little squawks up to the age of 5 years are prohibited from getting their voop on with pacifiers, leading to a vapepocalypse … Continue reading “Vape Pacifiers Outlawed”

Take A Peek At Google’s Innovative New Software “Google Meat”

Google announced today that it will be rolling out Google Meat, the latest addition to Google’s G Suite platform. “The world is changing, and Google wants to do everything it can to help our users through these trying times,” said Javier Soltero, VP of G Suite. “A bit of vitamin D,” he added. “If you … Continue reading “Take A Peek At Google’s Innovative New Software “Google Meat””

Toxicology Report Shows Cops Drunk With Power Led to George Floyd’s Death

Preliminary toxicology work done on four Minneapolis police officers who were involved in George Floyd’s death has shown elevated levels of megalomania in their bloodstream. “It’s actually quite common in police,” says Dr. Herbert Venmast, a hematologist with the University of Minnesota. “Many officers nationwide have gotten worrisome results in several tests. Extreme numbers of … Continue reading “Toxicology Report Shows Cops Drunk With Power Led to George Floyd’s Death”

Presumed Vegan Caught Wasting Milk At Black Lives Matter Protest

Perfectly illustrating yet another face-palm moment of hypocrisy all too common in liberal movements today, groups of Twin Cities rioters, presumably vegan, were spotted wasting massive amounts of milk last week after the police preemptively maintained peace using rubber bullets and tear gas. “It makes you wonder if these liberals ever looked in a mirror, … Continue reading “Presumed Vegan Caught Wasting Milk At Black Lives Matter Protest”

“Everything Is Fine” Says Cop In Riot Gear

Claiming it’s PPE to prevent the spread of COVID-19, thousands of fully equipped police officers in riot gear have been seen marching in low income neighborhoods around Minneapolis, for no particular reason whatsoever. “My wife made it,” said Sergeant Eric Splatz, pointing to the kevlar wrapped breastplate he was wearing while harmlessly patrolling his beat. … Continue reading ““Everything Is Fine” Says Cop In Riot Gear”

Responding To Past Homophobia, Chick-Fil-A Now Serves Only Gay Chickens

On Monday, Chick-Fil-A rolled out their most progressive initiative yet, in what they’re calling “a victory for all LGBBQ people.” They have decided to serve only queer chickens to their guests from this moment forward. “Our company has grown,” says Doug Michaels, Chick-Fil-A spokesperson, “the time for straight chicken sandwiches is over, I need queer … Continue reading “Responding To Past Homophobia, Chick-Fil-A Now Serves Only Gay Chickens”