The Front Page

Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul”

After the riots have settled, a debate as old as the Twin Cities still rages on. And even as the last of the city’s grocery stores burn down, Minneapolis residents are still just as annoying. “Right here where we’re standing is Prince’s old stomping grounds,” said downtown resident Jared Gross, on the ashy remains of … Continue reading “Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul””

Lawmakers Worry Speeding Up Impeachment Process Will Set Up Expectations For The Future

On Wednesday, House Democrats voted to impeach President Trump for inciting a violet insurrection against the US Government, with hopes of changing things for the better for the first time in American history. The articles of impeachment seem to have been drafted so fast, some representatives have developed whiplash.  It is not yet clear how … Continue reading “Lawmakers Worry Speeding Up Impeachment Process Will Set Up Expectations For The Future”

Lucky! This Dog is Completely Unaware of Our Country’s Crumbling Infrastructure

This lucky son of a bitch. Douglas, a local Australian shepherd, and amateur bird-watcher is completely oblivious to the fact that the country is falling apart around him. This dog’s complete ignorance of the suffering of the American people is so extreme, local Republicans are asking him to run for office (after all, they both … Continue reading “Lucky! This Dog is Completely Unaware of Our Country’s Crumbling Infrastructure”

Guy Who’s Only Watched Anime Porn ‘Disappointed’ By Real Vagina

Jack Fredrickson, a Minnesota native, says he’s been watching strictly anime porn since age 15. Jack tells us it all started when he was at church camp in 6th grade, he learned porn could corrupt the young mind and make your sexual expectations too high. Jack tells us he decided that day he would only … Continue reading “Guy Who’s Only Watched Anime Porn ‘Disappointed’ By Real Vagina”

Republican Amazed Antifa Agent That Stormed Capitol Was Undercover As Trump Supporter For 4 Years

Local Trump supporter Jason Hudum  is amazed by the amount of deceit undercover Antifa agents are capable of. After seeing his longtime friend, Garret, on the news storming the Capitol, he quickly realized that Garret has been an undercover Antifa agent the entire time. “I had beers with him every Friday night,” said Hudum, clearly … Continue reading “Republican Amazed Antifa Agent That Stormed Capitol Was Undercover As Trump Supporter For 4 Years”

Libtards Storm Capitol Dressed As Gas Station Employees

Conservatives looked on in disdain yesterday as a violent libtard militia stormed Capitol Hill disguised as gas station employees. “This is left-wing terrorism in its lowest form,” said a sweating Gavin McInnes last night. “Trust me, if this were real republicans doing this, we would’ve taken over in half the time, and many, many liberals … Continue reading “Libtards Storm Capitol Dressed As Gas Station Employees”

Blue Lives Matter Activist Arrested After Fighting Capitol Police

Known Blue Lives Matter activist Bill Lawless of Virginia was arrested today after rushing past United States Capitol Police screaming “fucking pussies” and “USA” as he waived a thin blue line flag in the air.   Officers eventually subdued Lawless in a struggle after he attempted to sweep the legs of two USCP officers with the … Continue reading “Blue Lives Matter Activist Arrested After Fighting Capitol Police”

Viagra Releases New Confederate Pill: “Your South Will Rise Again!”

White men, rejoice! At last, Viagra has teamed up with one of our favorite companies, States Reichs (“Because why stop at three?”) to bring you the Confederate Pill, a medication that promises that your South Will Rise Again. At last, a remedy is available for the impotence that comes from wearing a Confederate flag for … Continue reading “Viagra Releases New Confederate Pill: “Your South Will Rise Again!””

Ted Cruz Leads 11 Other Republican Senators In Growing Creepy Beards

Texas and Election-Fan-Fiction Author Ted Cruz is leading the pack on a growing number of elderly Republican beards. “Every American man has the right to grow a beard that will make other people uncomfortable,” said Cruz, “11 other Senators and I will be opposing the results of basic grooming.” Although he denies it, many suspect … Continue reading “Ted Cruz Leads 11 Other Republican Senators In Growing Creepy Beards”

Celebrity Gossip: Mr Bean Releases Silent Film Sex Tape

Mr. Bean superstar Rowan Atkinson was caught in a scandal recently, but it’s not as whimsical as you might think. His sex tape, entitled “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” has been leaked and we’ve got the scoop! A canonical continuation of the acclaimed “Mr. Bean”, “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” see’s Mr. Bean learning the ropes of … Continue reading “Celebrity Gossip: Mr Bean Releases Silent Film Sex Tape”

Mike Pence Asks For Pardon After Catching Glimpse Of Woman’s Ankles

Vice President and Human-White-Crayon Mike Pence is again making headlines as he pleads with President Trump to grant him a pardon after he cast a lewd gaze at a married woman’s ankles.  “I knew if I showed my bare arms on television, the sinister sex-crazed media would start to change me,” said Pence in a … Continue reading “Mike Pence Asks For Pardon After Catching Glimpse Of Woman’s Ankles”

Manscaped Says “Merry Christmas,” To Local News Source, Thanks Them For The Sponsorship

Just one week after being ranked “Top News Source In The World” By Forbes Magazine, local news source The Terminal Times received a shout-out from reputable ball-shaving business “Manscaped.com!” “We’d like to say thank you to the Terminal Times for the sponsorship,” said Manscaped CEO Pete Tran on Sunday morning. “Really good, trustworthy news,” added … Continue reading “Manscaped Says “Merry Christmas,” To Local News Source, Thanks Them For The Sponsorship”

Amazon Acquires North Pole, Elves To Strike On Christmas Eve

After threats of a strike forced Amazon into giving bonuses to their workers, the shipping giant made a big move to find a cheaper and more easily exploited workforce.   Last week, Amazon merged with the North Pole and harnessed the mythical powers of the most trusted assembly line workers of all time: Santa’s elves.  In … Continue reading “Amazon Acquires North Pole, Elves To Strike On Christmas Eve”

Mighty Ducks Star Turns His Back On The Body Positivity Movement

In a country where 60% of its occupants are obese, somehow it’s becoming harder and harder for fatties to find representation in the media. After becoming famous for being a chunky child, actor Shaun Weiss decided to start smoking meth and leave his unhealthy lifestyle behind him. Weiss is best known for his role as … Continue reading “Mighty Ducks Star Turns His Back On The Body Positivity Movement”

75% Of Delivery Drivers Admit To Rubbing Your Produce On Their Genitals

A recent poll reveals a truth we’ve often suspected. A whopping 75% of grocery shoppers and delivery drivers say they’ve rubbed their junk on produce intended for clients at least once. The poll was conducted amongst a sampling of workers in the delivery industry who are employed by different brands in varying markets. We talked … Continue reading “75% Of Delivery Drivers Admit To Rubbing Your Produce On Their Genitals”

100% Of Female Scientists Agree: “You Know What You Did.”

According to findings done by all the female scientists in the world and beyond, you know exactly what you did to result in your current unfavorable conditions. In a statement, all female scientist declared that: The mere fact that you require clarification only reinforces the report of you being “a total dickweed.” Your hypotheses of … Continue reading “100% Of Female Scientists Agree: “You Know What You Did.””

Mike Pence Refused To Let Family Watch His Televised Vaccination Due To Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Science

Vice President and politically-active saltine cracker, Mike Pence, refused to let his family watch his televised vaccination. “Television is violent enough as it is,” he said in his statement, “Not only does the vaccination contain a graphic amount of violence – it also has a frightening amount of science and medical advice.” He told the … Continue reading “Mike Pence Refused To Let Family Watch His Televised Vaccination Due To Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Science”

Twin Cities Woman Has First Orgasm When Vaccine Arrives At Minneapolis VA Medical Center

A Maple Grove woman was watching the local news on Monday morning when something amazing happened. Marissa Walters, 26, sat on her parents’ couch unassumingly when footage of the vaccine’s arrival at the Minneapolis VA hospital caught her off guard and stirred feelings she’d never felt before. Overcum with hot wet confusion, she was perplexed…but … Continue reading “Twin Cities Woman Has First Orgasm When Vaccine Arrives At Minneapolis VA Medical Center”

Somalia Says “No Thank You” To Minneapolis Refugees

“Ya we’re gonna have to pass,” said Somalian President Mohamed Abdullahi Farmajo when questioned on whether he was going to accept an influx of Minneapolis residents. “How could I allow a group of people who put salt on watermelon to come and tarnish our lovely ocean front country?” Josh Gordan, a resident of the Powderhorn … Continue reading “Somalia Says “No Thank You” To Minneapolis Refugees”

We Asked 100 People In A Buffalo Wild Wings What They Thought Of Cancel Culture: Their Answers Will Shock You.

With social tensions at an all time high, and people in constant discourse over what should and should not be said and done in society, Cancel Culture has been one of the driving forces in this phenomenon. We decided to hit the streets and pull opinions from 100 American citizens eating dinner at a Buffalo … Continue reading “We Asked 100 People In A Buffalo Wild Wings What They Thought Of Cancel Culture: Their Answers Will Shock You.”

Secret Service To Partner With Life Alert For Biden Presidency

The Secret Service plans to make some changes to security strategies at The White House in preparation for Biden‘s presidency. In addition to standard protections, one thing that will be different from past administrations is the addition of a medical alert system for the ancient President elect. The Secret Service plans to partner with known … Continue reading “Secret Service To Partner With Life Alert For Biden Presidency”

Michigan Lady Tapped As Speaker For 2021 RNC

After her articulate and memorable testimony in Michigan’s Election Fraud hearing, Melissa Carone has been chosen as the keynote speaker for the 2021 Republican National Convention. “I’m a-sspeaking at the Republican Natural Convection, are you?” she said in a statement to the Terminal Times. Given that her verbal communication surpasses most people in Trump’s administration, … Continue reading “Michigan Lady Tapped As Speaker For 2021 RNC”

Local Incel Removes Body Hair, Gains Respect From Women

Garrett Leibowitz, 25, of Anoka has enjoyed “God-level” status amongst the incel communities on Reddit and 4Chan in recent years, thanks to his ruthless putdowns and scathing insults of females of all ages, ethnicities and occupations. That recently changed, however, thanks to Leibowitz’s mother and the Lawn Mower 3.0 hair trimmer by MANSCAPED. Leibowitz, who … Continue reading “Local Incel Removes Body Hair, Gains Respect From Women”

LEAKED REPORT: China Has Been Collecting Data From TikTok For Over Two Years, And All They’ve Learned Is That Rich Kids Are Fucking Dumb

It’s been said that children are our future–well, China has seen the face of America’s future, and they are disgusted. An analysis of years of TikTok data collected from US accounts resulted in one overwhelming conclusion by Chinese officials: America’s youth are dumber than a box of bricks. The leaked report outlined three core characteristics … Continue reading “LEAKED REPORT: China Has Been Collecting Data From TikTok For Over Two Years, And All They’ve Learned Is That Rich Kids Are Fucking Dumb”

CDC Furious That Alien Monolith Not Following Travel Guidelines

CDC officials are livid after hearing the news that even the alien monolith that landed in Utah is not following travel guidelines. “First, the President holds rallies, then everybody goes home for Thanksgiving, and now this alien monolith is just CASUALLY traveling internationally,” said CDC Direct Robert Redfield, “It’s not even wearing a mask!” The … Continue reading “CDC Furious That Alien Monolith Not Following Travel Guidelines”

Pope Francis Apologizes For Liking Butt Photo Instead Of Altar Boy

The Vatican released an apology statement earlier today in regards to an incident that happened in mid-November. On the 13th, it appeared The Pope had liked a photo of a grown woman’s ass on Instagram. Pope Francis said he’d liked the Brazilian model’s dumper on accident, as it appeared in his feed directly above a … Continue reading “Pope Francis Apologizes For Liking Butt Photo Instead Of Altar Boy”

Local Satire Newspaper Demands Resume, Writing Sample, Drivers License, Proof Of Insurance, Saliva Sample, Social Security, Writing Sample Translated To Sanskrit, Full Body Photo And Direct Deposit Info While Joblessness Statistics At An All Time High

Local Satire Newspaper demands resume, sample writing, drivers license, proof of insurance, saliva sample, social security, sample writing translated to Sanskrit, full body photo, and direct deposit info while joblessness statistics hit an all time high. In what seems like a satire move in of itself, local satire newspaper “The Terminal Times” released a post … Continue reading “Local Satire Newspaper Demands Resume, Writing Sample, Drivers License, Proof Of Insurance, Saliva Sample, Social Security, Writing Sample Translated To Sanskrit, Full Body Photo And Direct Deposit Info While Joblessness Statistics At An All Time High”

Woman With Chronic Anxiety Still Consuming Enough Coffee To Kill A Small Horse

Despite having chronic anxiety, Angela continues to drink liquid anxiety. “It wakes me up to the myriad of horrible futures I’ve created in my mind,” she said, “Nothing helps me catastrophize like my morning cup of oh no.”  Coffee has increased in popularity ever since human beings began to be viewed as labor-saving devices for … Continue reading “Woman With Chronic Anxiety Still Consuming Enough Coffee To Kill A Small Horse”

Emperor Refuses To Admit Death Star Was Blown Up

Emperor Palpatine retweeted another video claiming that the rebellion’s “successful” destruction of the Death Star was a complete fraud. “Don’t believe everything you see on the holo,” the Emperor declared, “I can feel the anger flowing out of these mainstream news outlets.”  Almost 3 weeks after the rebels blew up the Death Star, the Emperor … Continue reading “Emperor Refuses To Admit Death Star Was Blown Up”

Store Owners Asking Shoppers To Trample Each Other From Safe Distance Tonight

Stores are urging shoppers to keep a safe distance while trampling each other this Black Friday. “Your safety is our number one priority, especially if you’re poor and fat” said local Walmart Manager Hank Kilmer, “we’re requiring masks and at least 6 feet of distance for stomping out other customers.” Sanitizer is also provided if … Continue reading “Store Owners Asking Shoppers To Trample Each Other From Safe Distance Tonight”

Donkey From Shrek Cancelled Due To Homophobic Slurs

Donkey, you can’t say that! Twitter is enraged and disappointed after Donkey from Shrek was caught calling a podcast host a “f****t” last week, and now, PC culture is doing everything they can to uncover his past homophobic mistakes. In recently leaked footage, Donkey was caught acting out grotesque and inappropriate impressions of celebrities having … Continue reading “Donkey From Shrek Cancelled Due To Homophobic Slurs”

Damn, Koalas Are Dumb As Hell!

For the first time in history, scientists at Australia University said “croiwkey mate, koalas are dumb as hell!” The formerly cute and auspicious species was deemed “Officially Dumb” after a researcher noticed a koala looking dumber than a box of bricks hanging upside down from a tree. “These delightful little idiots make my life absolute … Continue reading “Damn, Koalas Are Dumb As Hell!”

JJ Abrams’ Adaption Of 2021 To Use Same Basic Plot Points From 2020

JJ Abrams –  cancel-culture’s new Joss Whedon – is helming an adaption of 2021. Reportedly, he will be using the same basic plot elements from 2020, including bringing back fan favorites like Dr. Anthony Fauci. In a pandering money grab decision, Abrams is recasting Dr. Fauci as an elderly African American man and reluctant mentor … Continue reading “JJ Abrams’ Adaption Of 2021 To Use Same Basic Plot Points From 2020”

Jeff Bezos Donates Thousands Of Old Amazon Boxes To The Homeless

In a stunning demonstration of generosity, Bezos is donating  thousands of gently-used cardboard boxes to the homeless.  “Why should I have so much paper while the homeless have so little?” He tweeted on Monday, after an interview in which he bemoaned the Federal Government’s all-but-nonexistent cardboard relief plan. “I see homeless people on TV. There’s … Continue reading “Jeff Bezos Donates Thousands Of Old Amazon Boxes To The Homeless”

Tim Waltz, Tim Salsa, But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Cha-Cha, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Swing, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Tango, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Jitterbug, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Tap, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Breakdown, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Satire Article Bombs Due To Increase In Popularity Of Netflix Documentary

2020 refuses to relent! When the lockdown started in April, thousands of self-proclaimed comedians took to social media to express their generic views on masks, Trump, and Tiger King. But now, the newest blow to mediocre internet comedy has come in the form of the Netflix documentary, “The Social Dilemma.” Hundreds of social media users … Continue reading “Satire Article Bombs Due To Increase In Popularity Of Netflix Documentary”

Progress? Paw Patrol Changes Theme Song To NWA’s “Fuck The Police”

In a startling and unsolicited act of solidarity, Nickelodeon has changed Paw Patrol’s Theme song to NWA’s “Fuck the Police.” Arguing that it would be a helpful bridge for parents to teach their children All Cops Are Bad, show creator Keith Chapman states that “children are never too young to learn to fuck the police.” … Continue reading “Progress? Paw Patrol Changes Theme Song To NWA’s “Fuck The Police””

White House Preschool Teacher Excited To Have Former Student Rejoin Class

Patricia Dawkins has been the residential preschool teacher to the White House since George H.W. Bush, and is honored to have her former student rejoin her class. Not only is she regaining one of her favorite students, Joe Biden, but is losing her worst one yet, Donald Trump. “You know, it’s gonna be nice to … Continue reading “White House Preschool Teacher Excited To Have Former Student Rejoin Class”

CDC Warns Of Steep Uptick In Borat Impressions

It seems another potentially catastrophic epidemic is on the horizon, as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have reported a significant number of Borat impressions happening throughout the United States.  “On average, we typically see anywhere from 200 to 300 Borat impressions reported each month,” says Colin Brown, communications director with the CDC. “We … Continue reading “CDC Warns Of Steep Uptick In Borat Impressions”

COVID-19: Where Are They Now?

Several days have passed since the election and, just as several Youtube Epidemiologists predicted, COVID-19 has all but vanished. It’s been over 9 months since COVID left the nation breathless, working hand-in-hand with the liberal media to convince the American people that a President who mishandles a national emergency should be replaced. Now that the … Continue reading “COVID-19: Where Are They Now?”

Yoga Instructor With Misaligned Chakras Murders 13

A tragedy unfolded as 13 people were brutally murdered by yoga instructor Eliana Adriana after what she referred to as “a really off-morning.” “Yeah, I skipped my apple cider vinegar this morning and I think that’s where things started to go wrong,” she confessed, covered in her students’ essential oils. “I was just not in … Continue reading “Yoga Instructor With Misaligned Chakras Murders 13”

Trump Declares Himself Winner Of Second Civil War

DC – President Trump shocked the nation this morning after he declared himself the winner of the upcoming 2nd Civil War.  His victory surprised many as his supporters were on stand-by to at least start the Civil War before announcing their victory.  “Start making the monuments, stop having the battles,” he said, “because as far … Continue reading “Trump Declares Himself Winner Of Second Civil War”

Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama

Who could have guessed that a nationally-televised event where one woman dates 31 different men would include some drama? Not Claire, our eternally 39-year-old bachelorette who is also eternally hopeful that a reality television show will produce the man of her dreams. Using the principles that made “As Seen on TV” products a success, Claire … Continue reading “Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama”

Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married

Americans everywhere have the right to bear arms, but local gun-rights activist Craig Kilner believes that arms should have the right to bear their hearts to one another.  “They’re automatic weapons,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean they automatically have all their rights.” Craig had made a lifetime of fighting for gun rights but back … Continue reading “Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married”

2X4 Tired And Board

Things are lackluster for the legions of lumber laying around these days. And this construction site is feeling anything but constructive for this poor 2X4.   “People measure me all the time,” the board said, wiping sap from his eyes, “so I guess that’s why I feel like I never measure up.” He said the guys … Continue reading “2X4 Tired And Board”

Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter

Cookie Sheet Fired After Sharing Half-Baked Idea on Twitter Producers of the Food Channel series “Bitchin Kitchen” didn’t sugar-coat their statement after firing longtime kitchen member, Sheryl B. Scheet. After sharing a half-baked idea on Twitter, Sheryl the cookie sheet is facing some heat and being forced to fork over her cupboarded position in the … Continue reading “Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter”

Opinion: Trust In Gourd

Too long have we worshiped in the patch of the Great Pumpkin, being tossed too and fro by pumpkin spice parables.  I know many people’s first thought is, “Ugg, this again?” But hear me out! We are all bad apples and we’ve fallen short from the tree, we have to return to the one true … Continue reading “Opinion: Trust In Gourd”

Study: Less Than 1% Of Crackheads Will Give You Some Crack

Crackhead researchers at the University of Ohio have released an interesting new study, claiming crack addicts rarely (if ever) share their crack. “After years of studying crackheads in the wild, we’ve found that less than 1% of crackheads will give you some crack,” said renowned crackologist Joshua Anderson, “this number is particularly astonishing when you … Continue reading “Study: Less Than 1% Of Crackheads Will Give You Some Crack”

Governor Of ThickKansas Signs Ass Mandate

Laura Kelly, Governor of ThicKansas and dump-truck-butt admirer, has signed the state’s first Ass Mandate. “Starting Tuesday, we will require people who want to congregate to have bodacious booties,” she said in today’s press conference, “It’s simply reckless to let large groups gather without the proper thickage.” This comes on the heels of essential workers … Continue reading “Governor Of ThickKansas Signs Ass Mandate”

Bat Stocks Plummet

A greatly underspoken effect of covid-19 is its total destruction of the recently rising bat economy. Since March, bat stocks have plummeted, breaking records and creating a new bat recession. Bat finances haven’t been this shaky since the late 1800s, when fear of Bram Stoker’s “Count Dracula” was in its prime. Some experts say coronavirus … Continue reading “Bat Stocks Plummet”

Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!”

I can’t believe it’s not legal! Starting Tuesday, a margarine ban will be in effect for bars, restaurants, and other indoor venues throughout Minnesota. Walz issued a statement pleading with residents not to bring their own margarine into restaurants. “We have to get this under control,” he said, “We can’t have another slip-up.” Critics have … Continue reading “Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!””

“All Lives Matter!” Says White Guy, “Unless You’re Gay, Trans, Lesbian Or A Woman”

Local white guy Kyle Newsom is a staunch supporter of the “all lives matter” movement, and he’s not afraid to be oblivious and confrontational about it. “Of course, all lives matter,” says Kyle, “as long as you’re straight, male, not gay, and my friend.” Kyle is proud to say that he has a black friend, … Continue reading ““All Lives Matter!” Says White Guy, “Unless You’re Gay, Trans, Lesbian Or A Woman””

White Woman Has Hairy Armpits And Opinions On Things

Veronica Harfor (@GirlBossBF) of Uptown, has hairy armpits and opinions on things.  “I’m open minded and I don’t care what you think,” said Veronica at presstime, “we shouldn’t be raising our children straight!”  Veronica spends most of her day tweeting half baked thoughts and opinions. “A lot of people are put off by her ideas, … Continue reading “White Woman Has Hairy Armpits And Opinions On Things”

Man Eases Into Vegetarianism By Refusing To Eat Leather Boots

Brandon McDonald is taking a radical step towards vegetarianism with what he calls an “unprecedented move” for himself – he’s cutting out leather.  “No, no, I’m still WEARING leather. It’s EATING it that’s where I’m starting,” he said over his steak and eggs breakfast with a side of breakfast sausage, “Yes, I’m a vegetarian. Yes, … Continue reading “Man Eases Into Vegetarianism By Refusing To Eat Leather Boots”

UFC Fighter Spawns Outrage Due To Well-Thought-Out, Non-Racist Comments

This past weekend, UFC fighter Eric “Predator” Peters caused a stir outside of the cage with a series of well-crafted comments during a Reddit “Ask Me Anything (AMA)” with fans.  The controversy began when Peters was asked his feelings on defunding local police. BloodHole18: “heyy @EPpredator31, u baptized Sanchez last night with those elbowz! also, … Continue reading “UFC Fighter Spawns Outrage Due To Well-Thought-Out, Non-Racist Comments”

Light Up Your Blunt-O-Lanterns, Potheads, It’s October 4-20!

October 4th, 2020 As Halloween approaches, the 4-20 of October has arrived! Stoners everywhere are preparing to smoke pot all day and watch horror movies on Netflix!  Light up your blunt-o-lanterns, potheads, it’s October 4-20!  “I’m gonna smoke pot all day and watch Black Mirror on my Xbox,” said local weed freak Jeremy Walters, “it’s … Continue reading “Light Up Your Blunt-O-Lanterns, Potheads, It’s October 4-20!”

Trump Claims Banging Hot Wife And Daughter “Obliterated” COVID

“Just 24 hours after testing positive for coronavirus, President Trump claims to have cured the diesease by having sex with his hot wife and possibly daughter. The claim has scientists everywhere asking “could Russian pussy be the cure?”   “I cured it. Some say, ‘did he?’ I really did, I cured it. Tremendous. Ivank- I mean … Continue reading “Trump Claims Banging Hot Wife And Daughter “Obliterated” COVID”

God Is CANCELED

Find yourself a new Creator of the Universe, folks, because God is being canceled. Twitter took to storm this week after finding out that God, age infinity, impregnated Mother Mary at just the age of 14! People all over the world are asking God to step down as Creator of the Universe, while others are … Continue reading “God Is CANCELED”

Eric Trump Sheds Single Tear As Father Announces He’s “Proud, Boys”

The acceptance Eric has been craving for his entire life was granted to him while America’s two dad’s fought over who was the worst parent and who would eventually get custody of the dumpster fire they created. “I will stand by for you, sweet sweet father,” said Eric as a single tear streamed down his  … Continue reading “Eric Trump Sheds Single Tear As Father Announces He’s “Proud, Boys””

Ten Takeaways From The Trainwreck

1. We’re fucked 2. We’re fucked 3. We’re fucked 4. We’re fucked 5. We’re fucked 6. We’re fucked 7. We’re fucked 8. We’re fucked 9. We’re fucked 10. Etc • Terminal Times

“Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor

After the bombshell revelation that President and hand-gesture enthusiast Donald J. Trump has cheated on his taxes for the past 20 years, the effects are felt throughout the White House. According to a source close to the White House, Melania Trump is devastated. “I thought I was the only thing he cheated on!” she’s reported … Continue reading ““Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor”

Sweaty, Disheveled Jeff Bezos Awakes From Nightmare Where He’s Forced To Pay Taxes & Employees

Even the man who has everything can’t always get a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Bezos awoke around 2:17am in a frantic sweat, muttering, “It was a dream…just a dream…” He went to sleep in a world in which he was the richest man on earth and dreamed he had to pay all his … Continue reading “Sweaty, Disheveled Jeff Bezos Awakes From Nightmare Where He’s Forced To Pay Taxes & Employees”

Trump Appoints Judge Dredd

Former Apprentice star and current collapsing star Donald J. Trump has picked his Supreme Court nominee: Judge Dredd. In his statement, President Trump praised his ability to pick someone as tough and hard on criminals as Dredd. “I am the Law & Order President,” Trump said on Saturday, “and no one is harder on criminals … Continue reading “Trump Appoints Judge Dredd”

Man Injecting Bleach Concerned About Safety Of COVID Vaccine

Ralph is consumed with two things: protecting his health, and expressing his freedom to destroy his health. “I’m not following the government’s recommendations blindly,” he said while drinking his morning glass of Clorox, “that’s why I only listen to what the President tells me to do.” “You think you can trust the people who made … Continue reading “Man Injecting Bleach Concerned About Safety Of COVID Vaccine”

Profile: The Insufferable College Student That Asks Rhetorical Hitler Questions In Every Philosophy Class

Bendinigo Oselia – “Benny” for short to his friends – is a student of the University of Minnesota. Pursuing a philosophy degree as well as a religious studies double major, he’s also captain of the Lacrosse team, and works full time at D.P. Dough eatery near campus. He says he’s been a Gopher football fan … Continue reading “Profile: The Insufferable College Student That Asks Rhetorical Hitler Questions In Every Philosophy Class”

Couple Lost In Cheesecake Factory Menu Found After 2 Months

After 2 months of searching, missing Edina couple Mary and John Jenkins were found trapped and malnourished inside of the Ridgedale Cheesecake Factory’s offensively long menu. The couple arrived at the Cheesecake Factory in July to celebrate their three year anniversary, with food that’s not that great but not that bad either. While searching through … Continue reading “Couple Lost In Cheesecake Factory Menu Found After 2 Months”

More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States

Astronomists were surprised to find a cloud of phosphine gas – a chemical suggesting life – on the planet Venus, and they were even more shocked to find that this cloud had better critical thinking skills than most American citizens. “We’re not even sure there is life on Venus,” says planetary scientist Sara Seager, “but … Continue reading “More Intelligent Life Found On Venus Than In United States”