Cocaine Distributors Deemed Essential Businesses In Potential Miami Lockdown

5,000 Miami citizens gathered in South Beach to celebrate the decision.

At an 11am press briefing, local drug dealer Luis Rivera sniffled tears of joy when Mayor Francis Suarez deemed cocaine distributors essential businesses in the potential Miami lockdown. 

Just days after the spring break pandemonium that wreaked havoc on the immune systems of the neighboring elderly communities, Suarez took immediate action in protecting Miami. “Open cocaine trade is absolutely necessary in keeping Miami’s economy as stimulated as it’s people.”

The landmark decision came during Luis’ daughter’s quinceanera. When asked by WSVN7 News his thoughts on the situation, he replied, “Fue  un alivio saber que no iba a estar sin trabajo y que los traficantes pequeños de Miami pueden cuidar sus familias durante estos tiempos difíciles.” 

The Miami cocaine trade makes the city over 10 billion dollars in revenue a year. Half the town was built because of it. But for a small time dealer like Rivera, he’s just happy he can keep his lowrider fueled and his daughter’s quinceanera pinata filled with good candy. At press time, the beaming 16 year old stated,  “Mi papa es un buen hombre. El trabajo puede ser duro y perjudicial para nuestra comunidad, pero papá nos trata bien a mí y a mis tres madrastras. Me encanta.” 

  • Terminal Times, 3-29-20 

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