Just 12 days after signing a 2 year, 50 million dollar deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFL superstar Tom Brady has officially retired. The decision came after a quick Google search of the word “Florida” from his 9 million dollar mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut.
After grimacing at “Florida problems” he was too rich to have to know about, Tom quickly called his agent to back out of the deal. “I’ll pass,” said Brady. “Have you seen this place?”
“After doing an in depth Google search of the word Florida, I am now announcing my retirement from the National Football league,” said Brady at a press conference on Wednesday. “I don’t want to spend time near idiots. Knowing that I was nearly duped into having to spend 8 games a year in a place ravaged by alligators, senior citizens and meth, I have lost my love for the game and I will never be coming back.” Brady cited drugs, nursing homes and dying humid despair as his reasons for avoiding the state. “I’ve never seen that much bad stuff all at once in my life.”
• The Terminal Times