“Violence is a perfectly normal reaction to a situation such as this,” said a spokesman for the CDC on Sunday. “All we ask is that you sanitize your weapons before committing any form of purge related homicide. Violence is totally OK- just remember to do it safely.”
Although axes, knives and pitchforks seem to be the stereotypical weapons in apocalyptic scenarios- the CDC advises looters to use weapons that can murder from distances of 6 feet or further. “Looting can stay safe and sanitary with the usage of weapons such as sawed-off shotguns, sniper rifles and rocket launchers. For extra cautious looters, nuclear warfare may be the safest option.”
Although blasting your enemies with bird shot isn’t the most romantic form of apocalyptic homicide, it will surely get the job done. We asked our trusty interns to try a few recommended weapons. Johnny, our accounting apprentice, tested a rocket launcher on the flock of geese that frequent our grounds and the results were nothing short of amazing. With just one firing, every goose was obliterated. “It was awesome,” said Johnny. “Now I’m just hoping for a pay raise.”
This article was written in memory of our Johnny- killed cleanly, but ever too soon.
R.I.P Johnny Elhart
December 12, 2004- April 6, 2020
- The Terminal Times