Bird Singing Lovely Song Actually Praying for the End of Human Race

What was at first considered to be a cheerful nature sound is discovered to be a cry for the end of human civilization. Scientists have discovered that birdsongs are actually heartfelt cries to their god to “rain down fire-poop on the humans.” 

One particularly zealous robin is quoted saying that, “Every white-stained car windshield is our offering to you, O Egg-Selent One.” This was the same robin who was overheard speaking with a wood-pecker saying, “We have to destroy them. We have lost too many great birds to their disease and thoroughly-cleaned windows.”

“Despite nearly perfect eyesight, eagles turned a blind eye to our strife, and chickens don’t have the courage to do what needs to be done,” one redbird was translated singing, “the only cardinal virtue we will exercise is revenge.”

These messages were translated and carried by pigeons back to scientists at the University of Minnesota. The pigeons have warned researchers of the growing anti-human sentiment in the bird population, but states pigeons will remain loyal to humans “as long as you keep dropping food.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

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