With their addition of the “Suicide Gun” menu item, Applebee’s allows restaurant patrons to kill themselves rather than live with the eternal shame of dining at their establishment. “We know our role in the restaurant industry,” said a spokesperson for the company on Monday, “if the food poisoning doesn’t kill you, the Glock 9 surely will.”
The restaurant’s shocking television advertisement for the deal ends with the slogan, “If you love our steak bites, just wait until you taste this cold, cold steel.”
A jolly Applebee’s regular praised the chain’s decision. “This is great!! I’ve always wanted to end my life. I thought it would be the undercooked chicken or poorly maintained bathrooms that would do me in, but nope. Thanks to Applebee’s, I’ll do it myself!”
- The Terminal Times
