I had just written a screenplay, which I wanted to be published into a movie or a play, so I go by the Guthrie Theater and I told them that I wrote a screenplay called, Return of the Living Dead Fetuses, which is about a girl who gives herself an abortion by sticking a coat hanger up her twat and then a minister from a Baptist Church finds out in which he performs an exorcism at the scene of the abortion in which he then goes into a trance and he jerks off on the remains of the aborted fetus! After I described my screenplay, they tell me that they are not interested and this was while the Little House on the Prairie play was going on, so I then go on to tell them that in my previous life, I was Laura Ingalls Wilder and I told them that I couldn’t afford to see the play and I asked them if they could give me a free ticket and they refused to give me a free ticket!
These uptight theaters! I am so sick and tired of these motherfuckers with a stick up their ass and all their fucking bullshit! Someone told me if I lived in Los Angeles, I would have a good chance to get it published, so I said fuck this shit, I’m moving to Los Angeles, so I go online to check out the rents and the rents for apartments are fucking horrible. Those greedy, money-grubbing scumfuck landlords! I can’t take this fucking shit anymore! I then found out that Sheldon Cooper was looking for a roommate, but I would be living with 3 other guys, but at least the rent would be reasonable and I could take my cat with! The problem is I don’t get along with people very good and things turned to shit very quickly and I thought that Sheldon would work out good because he has Asperger’s and they made a TV show about him called Big Bang Theory! Well, what happened is I was smelling my cat’s ears at the same end of the couch and time that he likes to eat his breakfast and I told him that I really enjoy smelling the cat’s ears, especially when a bunch of brown stuff gets on my nose and he said “what is wrong with you” and then we got into a big fight and he threw me out and where the fuck am I going to live now?
It turns out that Penny, the girl who lived across the hall moved out and they decided to convert her apartment to section 8 and I was able to move in there! What happened is Penny decided to drop a few hits of acid and then GG Allin appeared and he said, “I would love to have a bowel movement on you baby”, so she rubbed excrement all over herself and the walls of her apartment, while she masturbated and when her landlord came in, she was evicted for having shit smeared all over her apartment! When I came into look at the apartment, I told them that it smells like shit in here and they told me “don’t worry, we’ll fumigate it and sanitize it before you move in!” I was so happy, I found my own apartment in Los Angeles with affordable rent!
Sheldon apologized for the way that he treated me and he admitted that he was plenty of habits that would drive people crazy, like he likes to keep logs of his bowel movements! I showed Sheldon my spoken words and he absolutely loved them and he loved my Return of the Living Dead fetuses story and I told him that some 1 told me that in Los Angeles, I have a very good chance of that screenplay getting made into a theatrical production and he told me that whoever told me that told me a bunch of fucking bullshit! He told me that they are having a contest for the most vulgar, but creative writer in New York at the same time that he would be attending a Star Trek convention! I said, there ain’t a place in New York that I could afford to stay and he told me that he knows this guy, his name is Mike Stivic and he lives out in Queens and me and him could stay with him, but he ain’t sure if things would work out with his father in-law and as you know that New York is a very liberal city and during the last presidential election, there is only 1 person who voted for Donald Trump and that person is Archie Bunker!
When I get there, Archie Bunker asked me, “what brings you to New Yawk” and I told him that contest going on for the most vulgar, but creative writer and I told him about my Return of the Living Dead Fetuses play and I told him about the girl who gives herself and abortion by sticking a coat hanger up her twat and a minister performs and exorcism at the scene of the abortion and jerks off on the remains of the aborted fetuses and then Archie went fucking apeshit and he said, “you are a sick weirdo! This is a Christian home that believes in family values; get the fuck out of my house!” Archie then went on to call me a “sick fuck”! Edith, his wife, then said, “Pat, I need to tawk to you”. Edith said, “please don’t tawk about aboations and jawking off on the abowted fetus in front of Aatchie!” I said “fuck that shit, I ain’t giving up my freedom of speech” and Edith said, “Aacthie could throw you out and you know how expensive it is here in New Yawk? I want to see you get your Spowken wowwds published!
If that’s not enough, Sheldon told Mike that he wasn’t feeling very well and he told Mike that he had an upset stomach and he told him that he was shitting out diarrhea and he mentioned that he was suffering from so much anxiety and he told Mike that it was all Archie Bunker’s fault that he ended up getting diarrhea because of all the anxiety that he caused him and Mike said, “I can understand how being with Archie can cause you to get diarrhea”! Edith then said, “Sheldon would it make you feel any better if I gave you some cawwfee?” Sheldon said, “the last time I had some coffee, I lost control of my bowels and I ended up shitting out diarrhea in my pants!” Edith then said, “maybe it would be a good idea that you don’t have any.” At that point, Sheldon felt more horrible pains in his abdominal area and he had to run to the bathroom to shit out more diarrhea. As soon as Sheldon was done shitting out his diarrhea, he went on to mention, “I like to keep logs of what my bowel movements are like, but I forgot to take it on this trip. I hope that I remember to mention that my diarrhea looked like it had yellow ribbons floating in it with white bubbles in the middle of it!” Archie said, “weirdo, the world doesn’t want to hear about your loose repulsive stools and the meathead said, “Archie, Pat and Sheldon are on the autism spectrum and they will say things at times that are inappropriate. Now what’s your excuse Arch?” Archie said, “back in my day, there was no such thing as awwtism as weirdos like you were locked in a wubba room, where you’s belong and don’t you shit out anymore diarrhea in my terlet! I want these weirdos to get the fuck out of my house!” Mike, Sheldon and I decided to go out for awhile figuring that the best thing to do is get away from Archie for awhile.
When we return, we opened the door and we saw Archie completely naked with his legs spread with his penis pressed up against his chair and he had a plastic penis stuck up his ass! Sheldon said, “I haven’t seen anything this revolting since my cousin lost control of his bowels in a swimming pool and we saw worms crawling around in his stool! Edith came home a few minutes later and Mike said, “Edith, do you know that your husband, Mr. Family Values enjoys sticking dildos up his but” and Edith said, “oh yea” and Archie said, “put a lid on it Edith!” Then Edith said “Mike, what’s a dildo? Aachie said that he puts those things up his bungole because it gives him relief from his hemoroids” and Archie said, “Edith, stiffle!” Sheldon forgot that Archie was naked with his penis pressed up against his chair, so he sat in it and then Edith came running into the room and she said, “Aachie, why is there spawm all over your chair? Sheldon abruptly got up and he noticed that his pants had a bunch of sticky stuff all over them and he said, “oh dear lord, I am going to have to have a haz mat team to disinfect my pants!” Well, I got my Return of the Living Dead Fetuses story published I got paid millions of dollars for it and I am so happy!
• Pat Demsey, The Terminal Times