13 year old conspiracy theory fan Andrew Blakely, suffering from Stage IV brain cancer, has had his Make-A-Wish granted by the invisible cabal that controls the world to have the next round of political appointments revealed to him before his impending death, says the Associated Press.
“This is a great PR move,” says Agent X, an unknowable hidden figure who was quoted in a parking garage sometime after midnight. “Since granting President Trump a secret lifetime appointment has been met with such recent complaining from The Herd, this is the Illuminati’s chance to really show the blind sheep of the populace that we’ve actually been on their side all along, we know what’s best for you, and most importantly that we have a heart.”
Make-A-Wish representative Glen Franl says that granting this wish had it’s own share of logistical and legal challenges to overcome in order to complete this request.
“It was one of the scariest encounters of my life. I was grabbed by strange men who leapt out of a black van on my way to work. They had Andrew as well. They put both our heads in black bags, and we were brought to an abandoned farm. There the revelations were made to Andrew, and I was granted one phone call to my boss at Make-A-Wish, confirming the wish had been fulfilled. I was then knocked unconscious and awoke back at my desk late that same night.”
Franl later added, “I fully expect to die under questionable circumstances sometime after this article goes to print.”
After it was all over, Blakely says the event is one he’ll remember for the rest of his short life.
“Oh dude, it was awesome. First, the president eats a [REDACTED], then he [REDACTED], live on national television, in a top hat made of human [REDACTED]. Then when [REDACTED] invades, the NRA gets laws passed allowing guns in hospitals for some reason, and everything really goes fucking nuts.”
Also mentioned were violent conclusions to the global warming crisis, food shortages, impending race wars, and underground bunkers maintained for the world’s oligarchy to survive the oncoming cataclysms.
“I’m so glad I won’t have to be around for any of that shit,” Blakely added.
• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times