“Didn’t Even Study,” Brags Frat Guy Before COVID Test

Chad leans back in his Hummer Jeep, gazing longingly at a high school football field in Ames, Iowa, and expresses his philosophy between dry coughs, “I’m really tryin’ to Hakuna-Matata this bitch.”

For 23 years Chad has made a lifestyle out of not caring too much about anything but having a good time. “Even if I do test positive for COVID, I’ll just have my dad buy me some clean saliva.” 

After the physician explains that she will be putting a swab “deep into his throat,” he laughs before realizing she’s being serious. “Bro, do you know how gay that looks?” 

“Yeah, it’s weird that I’m getting tested for COVID because I’m pretty sure I’ve got the Coronavirus.” He works as a volunteer “flavor consultant” at a local vape shop, and worries that Coronavirus might affect his career. “My boss said that if I don’t stop coughing on the customers, he’ll kick me out. Which sucks because he’s super close to hiring me, and my dad won’t pay for my weed anymore.”

When asked what he would change about the US’ COVID response, he said he would have them do less testing. “A lot of us have Business 101 tests to re-take at the end of the week, and I don’t need ANOTHER stupid test to study for.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

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