The new Russian COVID vaccine has been turning heads worldwide after journalist Alexei Navalny stepped forward as the first involuntary trial member. Since taking the vaccine, Navalny has been “sleeping it off” in a hospital in Berlin. Medvedvev said the Kremlin is “sending him our threats and prayers.”
“I want to thank our brave volunteers for complying with the mandatory clinical trial,” Dmitry Medvedvev, Russian Prime Minister and Mike Pence-cosplayer, said in a statement on Monday.
Since March, there have been 16,683 COVID deaths in Russia, which is almost half the amount of Kremlin critics that go missing every year. “Our hearts overflow with compassion, and our rivers are flowing peacefully with journalists’ bloated bodies,” said Medvedev after another successful day of clinical trials.
COVID’s symptoms have been notoriously hard to track in Russia as loss of breath is a common symptom of seeing a shirtless picture of Vladimir Putin and lack of taste is essential for enjoying Russian cuisine.
Vladimir Putin, Russian President and Night-King superfan, spoke favorably of the most haphazardly-created vaccine in human history, saying “Science is always most effective when it serves Russia’s greater global image. And if a few journalist, activists, and some of my critics have to be sacrified to find a successful vaccine, so be it. Russians need to go to the theatre to see Tenant. We love a good espionage film.”
• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times