Gotham Ends Crime With New ‘Capital Punishment For Any Supervillian Batman Brings In’ Policy

Gotham, America

Cheers of victory today as Gotham City enjoys its third month of still-dropping crime rates after instituting its new “Supervillian Execution” policy, based on the standard that any criminal that Batman has to defeat single handedly is immediately and without trial executed in the quickest possible fashion.

“Each of these villains has been a constant threat and an existential dread to the very foundation of this great city,” says Commissioner Jim Gordon. “Leaving it within a hair’s breadth of destruction from a giant freeze lazer, a nightmare clown who kills you in your sleep, or another Freudian-related metropolitan-wide affliction of some sort. Well we as a people said ‘no more,’ while also adding that, ‘if we have to get Batman to do it, we’d definitely kill the shit out of you afterwards.'”

Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Bane, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, Ra’s Al Ghul, Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, Hush, Clayface, Solomon Grundy, Calendar Man, Mad Hatter, Cluemaster, Ventriloquist (just the doll), and the Ten Eyed Man have all fallen under the state sanctioned elimination program.

According to Gordon, it was immediately a unanimous decision. “We first came up with the idea after Two-Face kidnapped all the identical twins in the city and made their parents choose which one was going to live…again. At that point we decided we’d had enough. One person asked if we should put it to a city resolution or something. I said there’s no way there’s anyone left in the city who isn’t bored of the whole goddamn thing by now.”

As it looks, the decision has been welcomed with open arms by all the citizens of Gotham, who can now walk the city safely without worrying about being turned into marionette puppets, frozen into a giant snow globe, or eaten by a giant lizard man.

“I think it’s a great idea”, claims local philanthropist Bruce Wayne. “I think this city can finally start healing. Maybe get some therapy and move on with its life.”

“I wonder what we’ll do with all our free time now,” he added.

• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times

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