“Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor

After the bombshell revelation that President and hand-gesture enthusiast Donald J. Trump has cheated on his taxes for the past 20 years, the effects are felt throughout the White House.

According to a source close to the White House, Melania Trump is devastated. “I thought I was the only thing he cheated on!” she’s reported to have screamed into her $45,000 dollar plush pillow made out of her favorite endangered species.

Despite the recent bad press, Trump’s top Financial advisor, Eugene H. Krabs is optimistic. “If you want to rack up $421 million in debt over a period of two years, go ahead,” he advised, “you can’t take it with you!”

“People say, ‘More Money, More Problems’,” Krabs told the Terminal Times on Monday, “but my client has only had problems when he doesn’t have any money!”

Despite Trump’s dire financial situation, Krabs always tells him to remember things that stay constant. “The only certainties in life are debt and tax evasion,” he concluded, “and the amount of money we make from swindling poor people!”

– Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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