Bat Stocks Plummet

A greatly underspoken effect of covid-19 is its total destruction of the recently rising bat economy. Since March, bat stocks have plummeted, breaking records and creating a new bat recession. Bat finances haven’t been this shaky since the late 1800s, when fear of Bram Stoker’s “Count Dracula” was in its prime.

Some experts say coronavirus might be the culprit. 

“We haven’t seen this many homeless bats in decades,” said bat economist Johnathon Meller. “You go to a cave, and they line the walls, begging for money. We can’t give them anything because of the virus. Vampires won’t even talk to them.” 

Batbrokers on Bat Street fear for the worst. “Ever since Jerry killed that guy, people stopped buying our stocks,” said batbroker Allen Mason, in reference to the roasted bat attributed to creating the onset of the virus. “We’re all sitting here on Bat Street just scratching our heads, saying ‘hey Jerry, would’ve been real nice if you didn’t give covid to the whole friggin world.’ Because of this guy, most of us are struggling to even put mosquitoes on the table. Three more bad trades and I’ll have to sell my cave.” 

Yesterday, Batman spoke out on the topic. “I can control bats, but I can’t control bat finances,” tweeted the superhero, “best I can do is a reboot of The Penguin.” 

On the bright side, other animal economies have skyrocketed. Dog stocks soared when scientists found canines to be immune to the virus, and the tiger meme economy rose by 82% in April thanks to “Tiger King” on Netlix. 

  • The Terminal Times

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