Who could have guessed that a nationally-televised event where one woman dates 31 different men would include some drama? Not Claire, our eternally 39-year-old bachelorette who is also eternally hopeful that a reality television show will produce the man of her dreams.
Using the principles that made “As Seen on TV” products a success, Claire dives headlong into a musky cesspool of testosterone to emerge with one man to call her own. However, things started to go south when she began playing favorites with one man – Dale – instead of humoring the other 30 men with her coveted pity laughs.
“All of these men are perfect in every way that they remind me of Dale,” Claire said. However, the other contestants are taking it in stride by pouting, stomping, screaming, and demonstrating various Grade A Toddler negotiation tactics. “They’re really taking this like the mature celebrities I hoped they would be,” Claire gushed, “Nothing says, ‘I’m the man of your dreams,’ like sexy moping. Long faces mean long other things, amrit ladies?”
Still, Claire is floored that reality TV drama would lead to so much confusion and emotional breaking points. “Sometimes monetizing emotional abuse isn’t a good thing,” she confessed, “but I still trust the process. It’s a beautiful journey driven by my heart, my dedication, and the wealthy executives at ABC.”
- Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times