Proud Boy Suffering From Electile Dysfunction

For Garret Greensbro, a man whose truck definitely has the Punisher logo on it, his election anxiety has turned into electile dysfunction. Even at the young age of 37, he is having trouble mustering up the strength to harass Biden voters.

“I swear, I’ve just had too much to drink,” he said, “I really do want to suppress minority votes, I’m just really tired.”

Garret is starting to worry about Election day. During the midterms, he had to hold up his assault rifle with two hands to threaten the long line of urban voters. Fellow Proud Boys try to remind Garret that it is increasingly common among men his age. “It’s tough to maintain a strong election when you have so many people around,” said his friend Bill Hicks, a longtime voter harasser, “Some days, you just don’t feel it.” 

Keeping a steady turnout has been difficult for the Proud Boys ever since the 2016 Election. Garret tries to conjure up images in his mind of Trump’s victory speech, but even falls flat some days. He’s tried taking his medication (The Confederate Pill, “Your South will rise again!”), but it only momentarily helps him hurl racist slurs at passerbys.

“Maybe voter harassment is a young man’s game,” he admitted, “Maybe I should focus more on sharing racist Facebook posts about Ilhan Omar and let my vote do the suppressing.” 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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