Woman With Chronic Anxiety Still Consuming Enough Coffee To Kill A Small Horse

Despite having chronic anxiety, Angela continues to drink liquid anxiety. “It wakes me up to the myriad of horrible futures I’ve created in my mind,” she said, “Nothing helps me catastrophize like my morning cup of oh no.” 

Coffee has increased in popularity ever since human beings began to be viewed as labor-saving devices for greedy corporate overlords. Now, many people – including Angela – depend on it. “Without caffeine, I would probably fall asleep at work. Then I’d lose my job, then my apartment. I’d start living out of my car and certainly sleeping worse. Then, one day, when I’m driving I’ll fall asleep at the wheel and swerve into a semi made out of explosives.” 

Like many coffee drinkers, Angela is a purist. She drinks coffee until her heart is convinced she’s doing cardio. “Are you really drinking coffee if your chest cavity doesn’t threaten to cave in on itself?” This continues to feed her paranoia that she has an underlying heart condition and can drop dead at any moment. 

This article has been brought to you by Coffee.™ Coffee, life is short, overthink it.™

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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