Five New Year’s Resolutions You Might Actually Be Capable Of!

It’s that time of year again! Time to harness a year’s worth of self-loathing into a goal or two you hope to achieve to make you feel like less of a lazy loser. Who cares if it’s never worked before, this is your year!

In 2020 many people lost their lives and livelihoods, but some of us just lost all sense of self-respect while “working” from home. For our laziest and least-pandemic-affected readers, we have put together a list of totally achievable resolutions.

1. Get out of bed

You know what’s sexy? Definitely not bed sores in your 20s. Just because you don’t need to get up to shitpost on Facebook doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try to hoist yourself upright occasionally!

2. Wipe your own ass

Honestly, your mom is tired of doing it for you. Next time you take a trip to brown town remember to reach back and clean things up a bit!

3. Eat a vegetable

C’mon, just one vegetable! People are visiting food shelves more frequently, but you’re letting cucumbers rot in your crisper. Seriously…one cannot live on coffee and the fumes of their own farts forever.

4. Indulge in self-pride

It’s been a hard year, maybe not for you specifically, but a lot of bad things have happened to other people. Be proud of yourself for still being here to smell your own farts.

5. Remember to breathe

It’s amazing you found the strength to read this far. Reward yourself for all your hard work this year by remembering to take time to breathe and relax. You didn’t lose your job, no one you love lost their life and you haven’t been seriously sick, but you ARE a whiny white girl living through a pandemic and you deserve a break.


• Cianna Violet, Terminal Times


Thank you to our writers, artists, editors, photographers, and interns for making this year great (?), and thanks to you for sticking through it!

Jacob Nuckolls, Charlie Settles, Max Chapman, Cianna Violet, Derrick Johnson, Patrick Strait, Gretchen Colleen, Mat Georgevich, Gareth O’Dalaigh, Cody Baker, Kavan Rotzien, Haley TDB, Tido Maldonado, James Stanley, Phil Kolas, Kelly Berger, Eli Ruffer, Evan Day, and everyone else!

And (most importantly) thanks to our sponsors, Manscaped and Chase Bank Podcast!

2021 Will be Powered by Manscaped and many more…

Manscaped: “Refining the Gentleman

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