BREAKING NEWS: Couple Undergoes Nasty Breakup, According to Upstairs Neighbor

Late Sunday evening, local woman Alison Green was minding her own business when the sounds of other people’s bullshit started to fill her apartment.

Young couple Ryan Stevens and Annie Fig had moved into the unit below Green in December 2020. Since then, Green says they have fought continuously. 

“What began as normal bitching soon turned to something way bigger,” Green said. 

Bullshit topics such as ‘Who did the dishes last?’ or ‘How much weed did you smoke?!’ were typically the source of the couple’s tension, but Green says the “fight got real” on Monday night. 

“I’m not sure how they ended up together,” Green said. “But I’m sure they fucking hate each other now!”

In their closing round, Stevens called Fig a “Fucking Bitch with no self-control” and Fig told Stevens “for such a big dick you sure have a tiny penis.” Doors were slammed and then a final word from Fig finished it off. 

“She said, ‘Have fun paying this lease with your shitty paychecks, we’re done.'” Green reported.  

A U-Haul is expected to block the driveway for the remainder of the week. Green says she won’t miss hearing Fig and Stevens sing in the shower together or the smell of whatever Fig used to cook on Tuesdays.

• Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

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