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Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama

Who could have guessed that a nationally-televised event where one woman dates 31 different men would include some drama? Not Claire, our eternally 39-year-old bachelorette who is also eternally hopeful that a reality television show will produce the man of her dreams.

Using the principles that made “As Seen on TV” products a success, Claire dives headlong into a musky cesspool of testosterone to emerge with one man to call her own. However, things started to go south when she began playing favorites with one man – Dale – instead of humoring the other 30 men with her coveted pity laughs.

“All of these men are perfect in every way that they remind me of Dale,” Claire said. However, the other contestants are taking it in stride by pouting, stomping, screaming, and demonstrating various Grade A Toddler negotiation tactics. “They’re really taking this like the mature celebrities I hoped they would be,” Claire gushed, “Nothing says, ‘I’m the man of your dreams,’ like sexy moping. Long faces mean long other things, amrit ladies?”

Still, Claire is floored that reality TV drama would lead to so much confusion and emotional breaking points. “Sometimes monetizing emotional abuse isn’t a good thing,” she confessed, “but I still trust the process. It’s a beautiful journey driven by my heart, my dedication, and the wealthy executives at ABC.”

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Local Badass Opts For Manly Bandana Over Womanly Facemask

Local cowboy cosplayer Brandon is opting out of the womanly facemask and going for the ballsier bandana to cover his face. “Sure, it falls off literally all the time and basically makes it useless,” he said, “but at least I look like a pudgy Butch Cassidy.”

For Brandon, this is just another way to show that he barely even thinks about the pandemic despite posting about it on Facebook nonstop. “Honestly, I wore this before COVID,” he said while waltzing into his local saloon. He says a lot of people do mistake him for an Old West cowboy, but mainly because of his views on women and gay rights date to that time period. 

Wearing the bandana has helped Brandon continue to cultivate the badass image he has spent years building by drinking Bud Light and complimenting motorcyclists on the sounds of their vehicles. He says this inner sense of masculinity must be carefully cultivated. “Sure, I’m manly enough to punch a hole in drywall, but my masculinity couldn’t take the blow of wearing one of those lady masks.”

Brandon admits that, like many others, his concept of self is only as strong as the pieces of clothing he decorates his body with.

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married

Americans everywhere have the right to bear arms, but local gun-rights activist Craig Kilner believes that arms should have the right to bear their hearts to one another. 

“They’re automatic weapons,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean they automatically have all their rights.”

Craig had made a lifetime of fighting for gun rights but back in 2015, a local baker refused to cater the wedding of his two shotguns and that woke him up to the cruel bigotry against firearm romances. “That was the first time I noticed ammophobia, but it would not be the last.”

Since that day, he has been fighting for guns to receive equal pay, equal housing, and equal standing under the laws that make them so accessible to literally millions of Americans. This conviction springs from his driving belief that even guns should be able to arm themselves and love who they love, “That’s what America is all about.”

“Any American can GET a gun, but it takes another gun to UNDERSTAND a gun,” he said, “It’s just not a choice for a gun to love another gun. They’re fearfully and wonderfully made this way by their Maker.”

– Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

2X4 Tired And Board

Things are lackluster for the legions of lumber laying around these days. And this construction site is feeling anything but constructive for this poor 2X4.  

“People measure me all the time,” the board said, wiping sap from his eyes, “so I guess that’s why I feel like I never measure up.”

He said the guys at the construction site don’t help him feel any better. “The guys cut me down the moment I got here.”

Many of his friends are still in the forest. He wished he could stay with them, “Shoulda coulda wooda”. He feels like he’s never quite understood by his co-workers. “They circular-saw me, but never circular-SEE me. They have no idea how hard it is to go against the grain!”

He mourns that he’s “treated with chemicals, but not with kindness.” Still, he tries to look on the bright side – at least he is employed. “Things are really rough for those boards that lose their jobs – the fired wood.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter

Cookie Sheet Fired After Sharing Half-Baked Idea on Twitter

Producers of the Food Channel series “Bitchin Kitchen” didn’t sugar-coat their statement after firing longtime kitchen member, Sheryl B. Scheet. After sharing a half-baked idea on Twitter, Sheryl the cookie sheet is facing some heat and being forced to fork over her cupboarded position in the kitchen.

Despite being a non-stick pan, Sheryl has gotten herself into a sticky situation. She was already in hot water after breaking the dishwasher, but her situation went from out of the frying pan and into the fire once the producers discovered her late-night Twitter rant accusing oatmeal cookies of being disguised breakfast food.

Her enemies are making a meal out of the recent event. “She always gave me the crepes,” said Martin Muffin Pan Jackson, “The Devil’s Food Cake tells more truth than she did. You’re full of a bull, Scheet.” Loaf, a newer Banana Bread is fed up with the drama, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done.” The colander is under strain, and every other kitchen member seems to be talking (reportedly, the Pot is calling the Kettle back).

This could not come at a worse time for “BK” producers as they are already facing criticism over using exclusively bleached and enriched flours, and many worry the show may be on the chopping block. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Guantanamo Bae?! George W. Bush’s Glow-Up

Former President George W Bush shocked the world on Thursday after posting a picture of himself after a full blow-out with the caption, “Felt cute. Might bomb Pakistan later, idk.” 

The former President took to social media to show off his new makeover, featuring hair, nails, the whole 9/11 yards. Known as the President during the attack on the Twin Towers, people were shocked to see HIS Twin Towers looking as perky. Many of them wonder if it is an inside job. And hm, others thought, could Bush’s bush be made over too? 

“Some people are calling me Guantanamo Bae,” Bush said in a statement, “And I think that’s very cute. Sure, it references a slew of human rights violations committed while I was President, but at least they’re Human RIGHTS, not human WRONGS. That’s what Ellen tells me.” 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Guy Who Lives In Snowy Climate Pissed It’s Snowing

Minnesota local Garret Wilson is absolutely livid that the cold weather has once again returned to an area of the country that he knew would be cold when he moved to it. “I just can’t believe it’s snowing,” he said, “Sure, it snows every year, but I just can’t believe it. It gets worse every time.” 

Garret’s wife Claire is also suffering. “I knew it would be cold during the winter when we moved here, but this is the 6th year in a row. Really, winter? Take a year off for crying out loud. Sometimes I wish global warming would take its toll so we could go to the beach in December…” 

This snow shower ruined her 3rd trip to the local Pumpkin patch to post grainy pictures of herself and her three friends with the caption: “low quality picture, high quality people.” 

Garret suspects it to be a ploy by tyrannical dictator Tim Walz to keep people inside. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Opinion: Trust In Gourd

Too long have we worshiped in the patch of the Great Pumpkin, being tossed too and fro by pumpkin spice parables.  I know many people’s first thought is, “Ugg, this again?” But hear me out!

We are all bad apples and we’ve fallen short from the tree, we have to return to the one true Gourd!  It’s never too latte to repent from your sus-spice-ous behavior. We are a nation founded “Under Gourd,” and we need to return to that. 

Change is in the air. Leaves behind your old way of thinking, and become new! I see this generation rising up and squashing all opposing forces and coming to trust in Cheesus Crust as their Gourd and Savior once again. 

Glory to Gourd!

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times