It seems like it’s been nearly 2 long weeks since the last Avengers movie came out, with cinematic enthusiasts anxiously waiting for the much anticipated release of Avengers 14, Avenge Harder.
With Hollywood discovering the box office success of cramming as many superheroes onto one silver screen as super-humanly fucking possible, they’ve decided to go all out for the 14th installment of the franchise.
“People used to just go see movies with one or two superheroes,” said director Tommy Wiseau. “But with people being so ADD nowadays, we decided it would be better if we just threw in every single fictional character we could think of, and just have them all flying and jumping and flipping around and stuff. Then you put the movie in 3D and watch the money role in. It doesn’t matter how bad that writing is. People will watch it. People are idiots.”
Well folks, it’s official! Local news source “The Terminal Times” just landed a sponsorship with “Walmart”!
We’ve compiled a list of statements by celebrities and the elite regarding the new business partnerships
1. Tom Cruise
Congratulations to “The Terminal Times” for the new sponsorship
2. Oprah Winfrey
Congratulations to Walmart and The Terminal Times for the sponsorship!
3. Lebron James
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Late Sunday evening, local woman Alison Green was minding her own business when the sounds of other people’s bullshit started to fill her apartment.
Young couple Ryan Stevens and Annie Fig had moved into the unit below Green in December 2020. Since then, Green says they have fought continuously.
“What began as normal bitching soon turned to something way bigger,” Green said.
Bullshit topics such as ‘Who did the dishes last?’ or ‘How much weed did you smoke?!’ were typically the source of the couple’s tension, but Green says the “fight got real” on Monday night.
“I’m not sure how they ended up together,” Green said. “But I’m sure they fucking hate each other now!”
In their closing round, Stevens called Fig a “Fucking Bitch with no self-control” and Fig told Stevens “for such a big dick you sure have a tiny penis.” Doors were slammed and then a final word from Fig finished it off.
“She said, ‘Have fun paying this lease with your shitty paychecks, we’re done.'” Green reported.
A U-Haul is expected to block the driveway for the remainder of the week. Green says she won’t miss hearing Fig and Stevens sing in the shower together or the smell of whatever Fig used to cook on Tuesdays.
On Friday, CIA began an investigation in regards to the possible teleportation/cloning abilities of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, after he appeared in 73,932 locations in a span of 24 hours. The Terminal Times
Former game-show host Donald Trump claimed the mass cloning was a result of “spirit cooking. On Parler, Trump said “Cold Bernie Sanders is using witchcraft to teleport. SHAME!”
“We take investigations into mystical powers very seriously,” said a spokesperson for the agency, “but let’s be honest- Bernie Sanders in a big coat is pretty friggin’ funny.”
While many believed there was possibility of heated protests at the Minnesota State Capitol this past week, few were prepared for the insurrection of right-wing extremists at Nickelodeon Universe inside the Mall of America.
“We realized something was off when a crowd started forming outside of the log ride,” said Mitchell Morris, a security specialist with the Mall of America. “It seemed peaceful enough, but once they saw Dora the Explorer inside the park, they just sort of lost it.”
Soon the protestors began pushing their way inside the park, becoming physical with Nickelodeon Universe employees and costume-wearing characters who attempted to contain the mob.
“The crowd started pushing Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants, and at least one Ninja Turtle was struck from behind,” Morris continues. “But the worst was when Chase the police dog from Paw Patrol showed up.”
Though many in the crowd were wearing pro-law enforcement and Blue Lives Matter apparel, social media postings showed Chase being violently slammed into the airbrush t-shirt stand, where he was punched, kicked and spit on by the increasingly hostile crowd.
Kristi Turner of Blaine was one of the protestors involved in the riot, and released an Instagram post where she provided some rationale behind the ugly scene.
“Tim Walz will let our kids go to school and let our restaurants operate at 50 percent capacity, but I can’t ride the Guppy Bubler?” Turner yells into the camera, while another protestor can be seen attempting to steal an entire Dippin’ Dots cart in the background.
“If the libs are going to steal the presidency, then we’re going to steal all of the stuffed Avengers toys out of this claw machine!” Turner screams in another video, oblivious to the fact that her entire left breast is exposed. “And it’s Camp Fuckin’ Snoopy!” yells someone else just off camera.
A spokesperson for Nickelodeon Universe says that their security force was unprepared for such a swift and hostile attack.
“Most of our security guards are only around 5-and-a-half feet and weigh upwards of 325 pounds,” the spokesperson shared via email. “Anything beyond harassing teenage girls outside of Forever 21 is way beyond their pay grade. We’re lucky things didn’t get worse.”
As of yesterday, the park continues to be closed for visitors as officials are still deciding how to best handle the fallout before reopening, with many calling for an internal investigation.
“I don’t want to speak badly of anyone, but all of us kind of thought Squidward and the Backyardigans had some ties to the Proud Boys,” Morris says. “I didn’t see them open the gates, but I definitely didn’t see them trying to defend Diego from Go Diego Go either.”
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As a Billionaire flamethrower creator and husband of Grimes, Elon Musk is a man on a mission. What mission could be greater than opening a vapery on Mars? On Tuesday, Elon tweeted “vape shop coming soon” with a picture of an anime character.
From PayPal, to simulation theory to SpaceX to Tesla, Musk does everything he can to remain worshipped on atheist Reddit forums. To further his alliance with the site, he is targeting the vape demographics in the Reddit communities.(90% of Redditors use some form of electronic cigarette, ref. Forbes).
The products will include pictures of Neal Degrasse Tyson and paintings of Jesus riding a motorcycle shooting a flamethrower into the sky. When we caught up with him last week, he called us “cool” for some reason and hired our janitor to be a co-owner of the vapery.
Some say Musk is starting the vapery because of Grimes, due to the fact that she looks like the human form of a Juul, and that he’s with her so he can be accustomed to martians at the vape shops he plans to open on the planet. Others say he’s doing it because of his rich hipster attitude.
Mars will become the first non-Earth planet to legalize vaping nicotine products.
“Would it be immoral, to send everyone who vapes to Mars?” asked Musk, “it’s quite obvious that these people need to go.”
Will vape shops exist in outer space by March of this year? Who knows. Did he really think we were cool? Probably not. But hey, check out Manscaped.com for some great deals on male ball trimming equipment, and use coupon code “TTimes” for free shipping and 10% off every order!