Local Satire Newspaper Demands Resume, Writing Sample, Drivers License, Proof Of Insurance, Saliva Sample, Social Security, Writing Sample Translated To Sanskrit, Full Body Photo And Direct Deposit Info While Joblessness Statistics At An All Time High

Local Satire Newspaper demands resume, sample writing, drivers license, proof of insurance, saliva sample, social security, sample writing translated to Sanskrit, full body photo, and direct deposit info while joblessness statistics hit an all time high.

In what seems like a satire move in of itself, local satire newspaper “The Terminal Times” released a post Monday, offering a position with the paper while demanding actual credentials to get the role. 

“They aren’t even demanding appropriate credentials for employment, such as pronouns, or amount of times they retweeted AOC last week. It’s just disgusting in this environment,” says Dick Coff, local unemployment expert. “I mean at this rate, this newspaper is probably hiring white people and that is the most concerning. They don’t even ask for your race, just a writing sample? These people should be ashamed” he continued. 

As Minnesota’s unemployment rate reaches 3.1%, the white unemployment rate remains at 2.9%. Although the states confusing efforts of keeping Starbucks and Targets open, local authorities are actively seeking to bump that fat lazy whitey unemployment rate to higher than the state’s average. 

“Ya know, we really miscalculated where all these white people work. We really thought we would boost those white unemployment numbers by closing the places with the most hipster beards and beanie combos, but we underestimated how many average looking Caucasian dudes work at places like Menard’s or Lowe’s. The Terminal Times’s post really comes at a tough time for our office” concludes Coff. 

If you’re looking for a job, The Terminal Times is hiring. But don’t come looking for handouts, and make sure to have ransom money and alibis.

• Haley the Dumb Broad, Terminal Times

Woman With Chronic Anxiety Still Consuming Enough Coffee To Kill A Small Horse

Despite having chronic anxiety, Angela continues to drink liquid anxiety. “It wakes me up to the myriad of horrible futures I’ve created in my mind,” she said, “Nothing helps me catastrophize like my morning cup of oh no.” 

Coffee has increased in popularity ever since human beings began to be viewed as labor-saving devices for greedy corporate overlords. Now, many people – including Angela – depend on it. “Without caffeine, I would probably fall asleep at work. Then I’d lose my job, then my apartment. I’d start living out of my car and certainly sleeping worse. Then, one day, when I’m driving I’ll fall asleep at the wheel and swerve into a semi made out of explosives.” 

Like many coffee drinkers, Angela is a purist. She drinks coffee until her heart is convinced she’s doing cardio. “Are you really drinking coffee if your chest cavity doesn’t threaten to cave in on itself?” This continues to feed her paranoia that she has an underlying heart condition and can drop dead at any moment. 

This article has been brought to you by Coffee.™ Coffee, life is short, overthink it.™

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Emperor Refuses To Admit Death Star Was Blown Up

Emperor Palpatine retweeted another video claiming that the rebellion’s “successful” destruction of the Death Star was a complete fraud. “Don’t believe everything you see on the holo,” the Emperor declared, “I can feel the anger flowing out of these mainstream news outlets.” 

Almost 3 weeks after the rebels blew up the Death Star, the Emperor still refuses to admit it. 

This is bound to make things awkward at Life Day dinner this year, as Darth Vader actually does believe the Death Star is gone. “We need immediate emergency funding to start making the exact same weapon with the exact same flaw,” Vader said behind closed Blast Doors.

However, Vader seems to be in the minority –  many of the Emperor’s other supporters have fallen in line including thousands of mindless Storm Troopers and other terrified imperial officials. Grand Moff Tarkin was unavailable to comment and hasn’t been seen since the reported incident. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Store Owners Asking Shoppers To Trample Each Other From Safe Distance Tonight

Stores are urging shoppers to keep a safe distance while trampling each other this Black Friday. “Your safety is our number one priority, especially if you’re poor and fat” said local Walmart Manager Hank Kilmer, “we’re requiring masks and at least 6 feet of distance for stomping out other customers.”

Sanitizer is also provided if any hand-to-hand altercations become necessary. “We want to overwhelm the hospitals with head injuries, not COVID cases, people.”

Hank again reminded his employees to put up the wet floor signs around the pools of blood and bones. “Don’t want anyone to get hurt,” they agreed. 

Many customers understand and are in compliance with the order. “Sure, I’ll beat someone within an inch of their life to get an Apple TV, but I’m not going to give somebody COVID,” said shopper Kathy Blum, “I’m not a monster.” 

Even with the precautions, some shoppers are still electing to stay home and shop online. However, to maintain the same experience as in-person shopping, they are waking up at 5:00am and throwing themselves down a flight of stairs (with a mask on, of course.)

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

11-27-20

Donkey From Shrek Cancelled Due To Homophobic Slurs

Donkey, you can’t say that!

Twitter is enraged and disappointed after Donkey from Shrek was caught calling a podcast host a “f****t” last week, and now, PC culture is doing everything they can to uncover his past homophobic mistakes.

In recently leaked footage, Donkey was caught acting out grotesque and inappropriate impressions of celebrities having gay sex.

When contacted about the topic, Shrek declined to comment.

• The Terminal Times

Damn, Koalas Are Dumb As Hell!

For the first time in history, scientists at Australia University said “croiwkey mate, koalas are dumb as hell!”

The formerly cute and auspicious species was deemed “Officially Dumb” after a researcher noticed a koala looking dumber than a box of bricks hanging upside down from a tree.

“These delightful little idiots make my life absolute hell,” said Researcher Owen Onsrach, “the more you watch them, you more you realize they shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars, let alone do a lecture at University.”

This statement by Onsrach was a result of multiple dumbness tests, surpassing seagulls, worms and pandas as the dumbest animal in the world! The 2020 Koalas won the National Stupidity Championships, ranking highest in idiocy, ignorance, and nimwit nature.

“The koalas hope to be even dumber next year,” said Reseachers, “by hanging upside down and eating leaves and whatnot, lookin dumb as hell.”

• The Terminal Times

JJ Abrams’ Adaption Of 2021 To Use Same Basic Plot Points From 2020

JJ Abrams –  cancel-culture’s new Joss Whedon – is helming an adaption of 2021. Reportedly, he will be using the same basic plot elements from 2020, including bringing back fan favorites like Dr. Anthony Fauci. In a pandering money grab decision, Abrams is recasting Dr. Fauci as an elderly African American man and reluctant mentor for young, bright-eyed virologists portrayed by similar token diversity hires. 

Donald Trump Jr. is also set to return as the villain – filling in the tiny shoes left behind by his father. Early set photos show Trump Jr. staring longingly at a display case of his dad’s battle-worn hair and vowing to follow in his stunted footsteps. 

Some fans are disappointed Abrams is using a recycled plot from a much more original year, while others defend the move. “He has to make 2021 as nostalgic as possible,” said local fan Tom Todd, “that way, the sharp left turn Rian Johnson will take for 2022 is that much more upsetting.” 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times