Bernie Sanders: Teleporter?

On Friday, CIA began an investigation in regards to the possible teleportation/cloning abilities of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, after he appeared in 73,932 locations in a span of 24 hours. The Terminal Times

Former game-show host Donald Trump claimed the mass cloning was a result of “spirit cooking. On Parler, Trump said “Cold Bernie Sanders is using witchcraft to teleport. SHAME!”

“We take investigations into mystical powers very seriously,” said a spokesperson for the agency, “but let’s be honest- Bernie Sanders in a big coat is pretty friggin’ funny.”

• The Terminal Times

Self-Proclaimed Patriots Storm Nickelodeon Universe In Protest Of Shutdown

While many believed there was possibility of heated protests at the Minnesota State Capitol this past week, few were prepared for the insurrection of right-wing extremists at Nickelodeon Universe inside the Mall of America.

“We realized something was off when a crowd started forming outside of the log ride,” said Mitchell Morris, a security specialist with the Mall of America. “It seemed peaceful enough, but once they saw Dora the Explorer inside the park, they just sort of lost it.”

Log ride

Soon the protestors began pushing their way inside the park, becoming physical with Nickelodeon Universe employees and costume-wearing characters who attempted to contain the mob.

“The crowd started pushing Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants, and at least one Ninja Turtle was struck from behind,” Morris continues. “But the worst was when Chase the police dog from Paw Patrol showed up.”

Though many in the crowd were wearing pro-law enforcement and Blue Lives Matter apparel, social media postings showed Chase being violently slammed into the airbrush t-shirt stand, where he was punched, kicked and spit on by the increasingly hostile crowd.

Kristi Turner of Blaine was one of the protestors involved in the riot, and released an Instagram post where she provided some rationale behind the ugly scene.

“Tim Walz will let our kids go to school and let our restaurants operate at 50 percent capacity, but I can’t ride the Guppy Bubler?” Turner yells into the camera, while another protestor can be seen attempting to steal an entire Dippin’ Dots cart in the background.

“If the libs are going to steal the presidency, then we’re going to steal all of the stuffed Avengers toys out of this claw machine!” Turner screams in another video, oblivious to the fact that her entire left breast is exposed. “And it’s Camp Fuckin’ Snoopy!” yells someone else just off camera.

A spokesperson for Nickelodeon Universe says that their security force was unprepared for such a swift and hostile attack.

“Most of our security guards are only around 5-and-a-half feet and weigh upwards of 325 pounds,” the spokesperson shared via email. “Anything beyond harassing teenage girls outside of Forever 21 is way beyond their pay grade. We’re lucky things didn’t get worse.”

As of yesterday, the park continues to be closed for visitors as officials are still deciding how to best handle the fallout before reopening, with many calling for an internal investigation.

“I don’t want to speak badly of anyone, but all of us kind of thought Squidward and the Backyardigans had some ties to the Proud Boys,” Morris says. “I didn’t see them open the gates, but I definitely didn’t see them trying to defend Diego from Go Diego Go either.”

• Patrick Strait, Terminal Times

Local News Source Lands BlueChew Sponsorship

Is your dick as soft as your nuts when you’re trying to fuck? Lucky for you, has the answer!

If you’re a loser who can’t get stiffies, every day is like 9/11 for you – with its flag at half mast. Worry no more, idiots, is the #1 Dick Hardening drug on the market, and a local news source just landed a sponsorship with the company.

With acclaimed deals and coupon codes to look through via their Manscaped sponsorship, The Terminal Times can clean out the jungle and make it woody all at once.

Go to Manscaped to get the ball shaving toner, and go to BlueChew to get the ball-saving boner.

• The Terminal Times

Sponsored by BlueChew

BlueChew: “This is your bedroom.”

Use coupon code “TTimes” to get free shipping and 10% off every order

Sponsored by Manscaped

Manscaped: “Refining the Gentleman”

Elon Musk To Open Vape Shop On Mars In Two Months

    As a Billionaire flamethrower creator and husband of Grimes, Elon Musk is a man on a mission. What mission could be greater than opening a vapery on Mars? On Tuesday, Elon tweeted “vape shop coming soon” with a picture of an anime character. 

    From PayPal, to simulation theory to SpaceX to Tesla, Musk does everything he can to remain worshipped on atheist Reddit forums. To further his alliance with the site, he is targeting the vape demographics in the Reddit communities.(90% of Redditors use some form of electronic cigarette, ref. Forbes). 

    The products will include pictures of Neal Degrasse Tyson and paintings of Jesus riding a motorcycle shooting a flamethrower into the sky. When we caught up with him last week, he called us “cool” for some reason and hired our janitor to be a co-owner of the vapery. 

Some say Musk is starting the vapery because of Grimes, due to the fact that she looks like the human form of a Juul, and that he’s with her so he can be accustomed to martians at the vape shops he plans to open on the planet. Others say he’s doing it because of his rich hipster attitude.

    Mars will become the first non-Earth planet to legalize vaping nicotine products. 

    “Would it be immoral, to send everyone who vapes to Mars?” asked Musk, “it’s quite obvious that these people need to go.” 

Will vape shops exist in outer space by March of this year? Who knows. Did he really think we were cool? Probably not. But hey, check out for some great deals on male ball trimming equipment, and use coupon code “TTimes” for free shipping and 10% off every order!

• The Terminal Times

Lawmakers Worry Speeding Up Impeachment Process Will Set Up Expectations For The Future

On Wednesday, House Democrats voted to impeach President Trump for inciting a violet insurrection against the US Government, with hopes of changing things for the better for the first time in American history.

The articles of impeachment seem to have been drafted so fast, some representatives have developed whiplash. 

It is not yet clear how the Senate will vote when it reconvenes for a trial. However, there is bi-partisan worry that swift action now could lead to expectations in the future and create the impression lawmakers are capable of doing anything meaningful in the future.

Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

Lucky! This Dog is Completely Unaware of Our Country’s Crumbling Infrastructure

This lucky son of a bitch. Douglas, a local Australian shepherd, and amateur bird-watcher is completely oblivious to the fact that the country is falling apart around him.

This dog’s complete ignorance of the suffering of the American people is so extreme, local Republicans are asking him to run for office (after all, they both tried to stop the mailman just as much last fall).

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Guy Who’s Only Watched Anime Porn ‘Disappointed’ By Real Vagina

Jack Fredrickson, a Minnesota native, says he’s been watching strictly anime porn since age 15. Jack tells us it all started when he was at church camp in 6th grade, he learned porn could corrupt the young mind and make your sexual expectations too high. Jack tells us he decided that day he would only watch anime porn because “it doesn’t count if they’re not real.”

“I really thought I was safe, no way it could ruin sexual experiences for me.”

Or so Jack thought. On Jan 5th 2021, Jack took a girl home for the first time to get some action, Jack says he was shocked at what he saw.

    “I just thought there would be a little more.. I don’t know..pixels..? She took her pants off and I couldn’t believe all the vaginal detail. I barely knew what it was or what to do. I knew I had a problem.”

Jack checked himself into the only known anime porn rehabilitation center the next day (located in Louisiana for some reason?). He didn’t know what to expect treatment wise, but he couldn’t continue to live like this.

“My first day of treatment was basically them making me jack off to regular porn, the second day was the same. My third day, after I discharged, I was discharged and sent home. I’m looking forward to this new life I’ve made for myself.”

• James Stanley, Terminal Times

Fish Tank Owner Struggling To Stop Getting Laid

Local fish tank owner Kevin Williams checked himself in to a mental institution on Sunday, claiming owning a fish tank was getting him too much tang.

“I’ve got 99 problems, but a fish ain’t one,” said Williams, a 32 year old postal worker from downtown Minneapolis.

This news comes just weeks after a local terrarium owner hung himself, writing in his Suicide note: “too… many… Hooters…”

Williams is projected to be released from the psych ward in February, planning to start a new life as a gay man who doesn’t own fish no more.

• The Terminal Times

Republican Amazed Antifa Agent That Stormed Capitol Was Undercover As Trump Supporter For 4 Years

Local Trump supporter Jason Hudum  is amazed by the amount of deceit undercover Antifa agents are capable of. After seeing his longtime friend, Garret, on the news storming the Capitol, he quickly realized that Garret has been an undercover Antifa agent the entire time.

“I had beers with him every Friday night,” said Hudum, clearly shaken up, “We talked for hours about how much we loved Trump, and HE’S Antifa?”

Jason went on to say this is the most disappointed he’s felt since Last Man Standing was canceled. “But it adds up, doesn’t it? The libtards and Antifa don’t want Trump voted out of office so of course, they would interrupt the event where Trump is getting voted out of office.”

While Derek mourns the loss of a good friend, he is encouraged that at the end of the day he still has one constant: President Trump. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times