For Molly Freeman, this March’s COVID infested Friday the 13th quickly became scarier than expected. At about 10:30 that morning Molly found herself outside of the popular uptown barcade “Up-Down” speaking to whom she thought was an Uptown hipster.
“At first glance he had all the tell-tale signs of being a beer snob bohemian; the flannel shirt, the ripped jeans, and the faint yet romantic smell of urine and fermenting yeast,” Molly recalled. “And he was so cute. The dirty beard, the edgy malnourished look, and the just yellow enough teeth screamed ‘I’ve got a liberal arts degree and this look is by choice!’ In the first 15 seconds of seeing him, I knew we’d be going home together.”
Molly said she thought nothing of the UpDown bouncers not letting him in- “I thought his lack of wallet and ID was just a passive form of social commentary.” In response to the bouncers disapproval, she suggested they just go have a beer at his place- but little did she know, his “place” was literally anywhere. When the man picked up his 2nd cigarette butt from the sidewalk and then rustled through the trash for a 3rd, Molly soon realized that this man was no hipster, but a vagrant trying to buy crack.
“I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to spend money on Uber so I spent the night with him under the bridge at Hennepin and Lyndale. His place was an actual pile of trash… But I can change him. I’m going back tonight with all of my Amazon boxes.”
- The Terminal Times, 3-20-20
5,000 Miami citizens gathered in South Beach to celebrate the decision.
At an 11am press briefing, local drug dealer Luis Rivera sniffled tears of joy when Mayor Francis Suarez deemed cocaine distributors essential businesses in the potential Miami lockdown.
Just days after the spring break pandemonium that wreaked havoc on the immune systems of the neighboring elderly communities, Suarez took immediate action in protecting Miami. “Open cocaine trade is absolutely necessary in keeping Miami’s economy as stimulated as it’s people.”
The landmark decision came during Luis’ daughter’s quinceanera. When asked by WSVN7 News his thoughts on the situation, he replied, “Fue un alivio saber que no iba a estar sin trabajo y que los traficantes pequeños de Miami pueden cuidar sus familias durante estos tiempos difíciles.”
The Miami cocaine trade makes the city over 10 billion dollars in revenue a year. Half the town was built because of it. But for a small time dealer like Rivera, he’s just happy he can keep his lowrider fueled and his daughter’s quinceanera pinata filled with good candy. At press time, the beaming 16 year old stated, “Mi papa es un buen hombre. El trabajo puede ser duro y perjudicial para nuestra comunidad, pero papá nos trata bien a mí y a mis tres madrastras. Me encanta.”
Amidst growing curiosity over his opinion on homosexuality, a local high school bully has spoken up. “Gay people are gay,” says Billy Wheeler, a 10th grader at Knox High School in Toledo, Ohio.
To Billy, everything is gay. “I never thought I’d be popular in high school. In middle school, everybody used to call me gay, so I started calling them gay and they stopped calling me gay. I became pretty popular for being the dude that wasn’t gay.”
Teachers have praised Billy for his heroism. “Billy might only be 17, but he has the wisdom of a 22 year-old Jersey Mike’s employee. We cherish his opinions on homosexuality in our classrooms,” says Jan Walters, a special education paraprofessional at the high school.
Someday, Billy hopes to spread his message outside of his small town high school, and with recent advancements in homophobia technology his dreams might soon become a reality. “I made a TikTok account last week. It’s a great platform for bullying gays and appropriating African American culture.”
To Billy, bullying isn’t just a hollow defense mechanism to prevent people from calling him the f-word. To Billy, bullying is a way of life. “I didn’t choose to be a bully. I was born to do it.”
When asked about that one sleepover in 9th grade, Billy declined to comment.
- The Terminal Times, 3-22-20
In a recent study published by Men’s Health Magazine, it has been confirmed that Magic Johnson does not have COVID19 but definitely still has AIDS. “Still got it!” said Magic at press time.
The magazine, focused on providing men with health tips and pictures of nearly naked men- is shocked by the results of Magic’s testing. “This is the highest-profile case of AIDS the world has ever seen,” said a contributing writer at the magazine. “Although Magic definitely does not have COVID, it’s been confirmed that he’s been HIV positive since as early as 1991.”
In the article, the former NBA star is pictured shirtless with a photograph of his test results in hand.
Although the NBA is currently riddled with COVID right now, very few players have AIDS. “We’re hoping that Magic might get COVID, which could potentially give the virus his AIDS,” said a spokesman for the CDC. “If COVID gets AIDS, it would humiliate the virus and hopefully take it out for good.”