JK Rowling: Harry Potter Is Actually Pretty Gay Too

12 years after the final installment of the Harry Potter book series,  a pandering JK Rowling anounced in an interview that Professor Dumbledore was a homosexual and that there was obvious sexual tension between him and his friend-turned-rival, Gellert Grindelwald. 

A year later, The Terminal Times was granted a special reading of Ms. Rowling’s missing page that not only painted Proffessor Dumbledore as a homosexual, but two other prominent characters as well.

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Pg 203, Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone

As he walked through the unmarked door, there stood a sparkling mirror on the opposite side of the room. The Mirror of Erised.

“Harry, the mirror shows what you most want in your heart,” said Dumbledore to the strapping young stud.

“But Professor,” said Harry.  “I’ve never met my parents, all I’ve wanted was to meet my parents. All I see is your enchanted naked body. Is… Is this what I desire?”

Harry turned around to see Dumbledore, fully erect, throbbing in the heat of passion.  

“The mirror tells no lies, Harry. Now come here and let me show you why they call me Headmaster.”

    As Harry’s scarlet and gold Gryffindor robes fell to the floor, Dumbledore got to his knees. As he grabbed the young boy’s throbbing wand, the door swung open and a sweaty giant by the name of Hagrid stepped into the room. “Professor! “Ow could ya?” asked the Groundskeeper. “You told me it were you’n me only.” 

    “Hagrid, take a look into the mirror. That is The Mirror of Erised. What it shows you is your heart’s true desire. What do you see?” asked Dumbledore.

    “Well, I see you sucking young ‘Arry’s cock,” said Hagrid. 

    “I believe you want to be part of this… Don’t you, Hagrid?” Said Dumbledore.

    “I do, professor,” replied Hagrid.

Hagrid stripped off his massive leather jacket to reveal his barrel chested beauty, with thick hair covering muscles that any right minded wizard would yearn for. He approached Dumbledore from behind and tried to penetrate the elderly professor but his hard male heat was too large to enter.

“Professor, arr ya’ okay?” Asked Hagrid.

“I’ll be fine, Hagrid… Accio K-Y Jelly,” said Dumbledore. From Professor Snape’s Potions Dungeon, a heaping gob of lubricant splattered into Dumbledore’s hands. Drooling in angst, the Headmaster lubricated the giant’s owl-sized organ. Hagrid throbbed with love as he united his pulsating core with Dumbledore’s dapper dumpmaker.

After Hagrid finished passionately inside the professor, he got on his knees and placed a hand under young Harry’s Sorcerers Stones, fondling them as Dumbledore swirled his tongue around the young wizard’s weiner. Convulsing, Harry said, “Don’t stop,” as he orgasmed, blowing his patronus all over the faces of his two lustful lovers.

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  • The Terminal Times

Ohio Man Buys More Guns To Protect Himself From More Guns

“Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight,“ is a popular phrase in Ohio. “And if you do, make sure it’s attached to an AK-47 with extended clips and explosive ammunition,” says Akron citizen Dale Johnson. Dale, like many residents of the state, is in a constant arms race with his neighbors. “I have 7 guns but my neighbor has 9, so I’m gonna buy 3 more to have 11,” says Johnson. “It’s basic math.” When asked how he knows his neighbor has more guns than him, Dale gave reporters a hollow-eyed stare and said, “You’re right. I’ll buy 4 more.”

In lieu of spending their stimulus checks on rent, food and toilet paper, Dale and others have decided to spend the money on more ammunition (“the toilet paper of the assault rifle”). “If guns keep my family, my tigers, and my other guns safe, they’re worth it.” 

“Some people are worried,” says Johnson. “But I think we’ll be OK. Here in Ohio, we’ll just keep on sprayin’ and prayin’.”

  • The Terminal Times