Cocaine Distributors Deemed Essential Businesses In Potential Miami Lockdown

5,000 Miami citizens gathered in South Beach to celebrate the decision.

At an 11am press briefing, local drug dealer Luis Rivera sniffled tears of joy when Mayor Francis Suarez deemed cocaine distributors essential businesses in the potential Miami lockdown. 

Just days after the spring break pandemonium that wreaked havoc on the immune systems of the neighboring elderly communities, Suarez took immediate action in protecting Miami. “Open cocaine trade is absolutely necessary in keeping Miami’s economy as stimulated as it’s people.”

The landmark decision came during Luis’ daughter’s quinceanera. When asked by WSVN7 News his thoughts on the situation, he replied, “Fue  un alivio saber que no iba a estar sin trabajo y que los traficantes pequeños de Miami pueden cuidar sus familias durante estos tiempos difíciles.” 

The Miami cocaine trade makes the city over 10 billion dollars in revenue a year. Half the town was built because of it. But for a small time dealer like Rivera, he’s just happy he can keep his lowrider fueled and his daughter’s quinceanera pinata filled with good candy. At press time, the beaming 16 year old stated,  “Mi papa es un buen hombre. El trabajo puede ser duro y perjudicial para nuestra comunidad, pero papá nos trata bien a mí y a mis tres madrastras. Me encanta.” 

  • Terminal Times, 3-29-20 

“Being Gay Is Gay” Says Local High School Bully

Amidst growing curiosity over his opinion on homosexuality, a local high school bully has spoken up. “Gay people are gay,” says Billy Wheeler, a 10th grader at Knox High School in Toledo, Ohio. 

To Billy, everything is gay. “I never thought I’d be popular in high school. In middle school, everybody used to call me gay, so I started calling them gay and they stopped calling me gay. I became pretty popular for being the dude that wasn’t gay.” 

Teachers have praised Billy for his heroism. “Billy might only be 17, but he has the wisdom of a 22 year-old Jersey Mike’s employee. We cherish his opinions on homosexuality in our classrooms,” says Jan Walters, a special education paraprofessional at the high school. 

Someday, Billy hopes to spread his message outside of his small town high school, and with recent advancements in homophobia technology his dreams might soon become a reality. “I made a TikTok account last week. It’s a great platform for bullying gays and appropriating African American culture.”  

To Billy, bullying isn’t just a hollow defense mechanism to prevent people from calling him the f-word. To Billy, bullying is a way of life. “I didn’t choose to be a bully. I was born to do it.” 

When asked about that one sleepover in 9th grade, Billy declined to comment. 

  • The Terminal Times, 3-22-20

Magic Johnson Tests Negative For COVID But Definitely Still Has AIDS

In a recent study published by Men’s Health Magazine, it has been confirmed that Magic Johnson does not have COVID19 but definitely still has AIDS. “Still got it!” said Magic at press time.

The magazine, focused on providing men with health tips and pictures of nearly naked men- is shocked by the results of Magic’s testing. “This is the highest-profile case of AIDS the world has ever seen,” said a contributing writer at the magazine. “Although Magic definitely does not have COVID, it’s been confirmed that he’s been HIV positive since as early as 1991.”

In the article, the former NBA star is pictured shirtless with a photograph of his test results in hand.

Although the NBA is currently riddled with COVID right now, very few players have AIDS. “We’re hoping that Magic might get COVID, which could potentially give the virus his AIDS,” said a spokesman for the CDC. “If COVID gets AIDS, it would humiliate the virus and hopefully take it out for good.”

  • The Terminal Times